Tuffgirl

Ya know...this got me thinking a lot since reading cyranoak's response.

Here's what I know - I spent close to 10 years single after my first divorce. I had therapy, worked on a lot of issues, finished my education, developed a great, successful life for myself, and got my kids to a more independent stage in life. I thought at this point I was good relationship material. I dated and learned to be more ascertaining of the men I was attracted to and why I was attracted to them. I dated a variety of men, from all occupations and backgrounds. Kind of a weeding out process, if that makes any sense.

And the man I chose was amazing...he was smart, well-read, and successful in his own right, and he wanted a family like I did. He was traditional and conservative (like me), from a good family from the mid-west, well-mannered and kind, generous, etc. There weren't any glaring red flags until after I moved in with him when we got engaged, and even then it was slow to creep in. I thought I had chosen well this time. And instead I got an alcoholic.

I don't know if I necessarily completely agree that WE are subconsciously choosing a certain type - although I know the psych/therapy/self-help world would have us believe that. I think I got exactly what my A thought I wanted - they are good at being mirrors. I remember once thinking he was so much like me. That is because he was mirroring exactly what I was saying I wanted in a man. He was even punctual, until we married and then all of the sudden, he was late all the time. He held onto his facade for almost 2 years...that's pretty good. Once we were married - it all changed. All of it. To the point that I didn't even recognize that guy anymore.

So maybe don't be so quick to blame yourself for bad choices...it may have been a mix of not being choosy enough AND being conned by an addict.