I can relate to all of these posts, I have gone round and round on this stuff until I was blue in the face and frustrated as hell.
Here's what I know today... true recovery takes a long time. And a lot of work. I quit counseling with him because at a few months into AA, he's just not even close to be "there" yet. We still aren't speaking the same language. He is still super angry and in denial to a lot of his own choices. We could have stuck it out but I didn't feel it was a good use of time and money right now. Maybe in another year or so.
So I have planned to stay separated indefinitely...give this some more time...see what happens...knowing that I can move forward with my life without his recovery being a noose around my neck.
I can also focus now on my recovery and side step his anger and blamestorming (most of the time; sometimes it catches me off guard). I realized I do not need his input to make informed decisions for myself. He didn't ask my input about his drinking.
Anger is normal - let it propel you into action in your own life. It'd be a shame to waste that energy on something non-productive.