WTBH,
It is so tempting to do this.
ANd I did.
A few times...LOL.
My MIL comes from a long line of alcoholism, and her 9 brothers and sisters are all but one terribly afflicted.
She was a supportive grandma, and a friend to me for years. When my RAH got sober, things turned ugly.
Even while he was active, there were times when he would cry to her, and I would get a call.
She would say, "I know he is a mess, but he is still human."
"How badly can you treat someone, cant you see it doesnt help him?"
She had only heard one side. There were entire years when she would take my side, seeing that he was abusive, maybe mentally askew.
Then she would have a bout of mama bear, and I would get a call.
For so many years I resisted the urge to blast her and her whole family, her marriage, their whole narcissitic denial ridden clan.
then once I did it.
I said a lot of the things that you said. I was not seething. I just laid it out. I told her she was in denial, not only of how her son was neglecting his child, but of her brothers, her father, her own marriage."Where do you think he learned that this is how to be a family man? That this is how to deal with life and reality?" I told her he had a lot more to heal from than just alcoholism. And she was silent.
I said that I know everyone does the best they can in the moment, but that A had a terrible childhood, was it any wonder, REALLY that he was such a mess? Could she really not see how terrible his behavior was, and why does she and her family have such a staid tolerance even defense for such behavior.?
She hung up on me. I felt like you did. I felt guilty, but man, it felt good to finally say all that. I was talking a bout an elephant in the room that I had spent years muzzling myself over at family functions, in my dealings with her.
I thought to apologize, I felt a little scared about what might result from such a blatant confrontation of her denial.
I had really attacked her way of thinking, of living.
About two weeks went by, and I thought surely that I was going to get a sh*tstorm from AH for talking that way to his mom. About his family. His precious, perfect family.
No such thing happened.
Instead she called me and wanted to talk. She had not told him anything abt our talk.
She was humble. She was noticeably shaken.
Instead of anger and indignation, she approached me with questions.
"Do you really think I allowed this, by staying with my H? Do you really think my family has a massive alcohol issue? We have had several brothers in and out of treatment. NO one ever got sober."
Honestly, it was as if she just NEVER questioned any of it. With RAH uncles showing up at Xmas falling down drunk, belligerent...She never looked into the consequences...the chain of addiction and sickness?
She hadnt.
Obviously, this comes in waves, for her. She is 57 years old. She has her life in containers, now, that work for her. SHe has a measure of control. After this there have been bouts of terribly unfair fights between her and me. When he got sober she went MIA, then attacked me via facebook. It was weird. NOw she is back to normal and we dont discuss too much, just enough to do grandparenting stuff. She did give me her "blessing" on having put him out of the house in March.
I would not apoplogize. What you have said is true. If anything I would maybe apologize for the WAY you communicated, but add that you hope that the value of what you had to say was not lost in the delivery.
I dont think your MIL is going to come around and start looking at her life, at her kids, examining her parenting, but, people need to have reality reflected to them. It sucks, but people have done it to me, Heck, even here on SR. And it ends up a blessing after I feel attacked, etc.
It may cause a shift in her or not, but, at least you know that once, you said the truth, and now you can just make statements about your own self, your own boundaries. .