I think this is a great thread for all of us as codies or whatever.
The experience of "something's off" is an important one for us to notice.
That's it. Just notice.
We (all of us "addicts") tend to avoid, deny, obsess, etc. rather than
notice.I'd say the next step is to neutrally and gently inquire
within as to what that "something's off" message is telling us.
We tend to go outward and try to get the answer.
The GREAT thing about SR (I think) is there are many voices redirecting us back IN. Reminding us to calm down. Reminding us that more will be revealed, one day at a time, and just breathe. Aren't those the messages all humans need?
Deciphering our own internal message system ("something's off") may take time. We may need to put it aside. We may realize we are avoiding it (as our very wise Getting By mentioned!). We may realize we are frightened (undoubtedly we will!!) (as the wonderful HelenLee talked about).
What I notice for myself is when I "feel" out my various choices, eg. leav my husband, stay and detach, etc., none of them FEEL good!! I just want to fix and change him. THAT would feel safe. Maybe for you, the only thing that would feel good is you decide you are madly, hotly in love with her. Only THAT would feel good!
And yet, we don't get that box to check on the form, do we? Then what?
We have a limited set of options. That's what makes us who we are and that's why we are here to grow.
For me, I realized that the next step, if I am to make a change from the status quo, will not look like an option that feels good. I am going to have to make a choice that other people, farther along in their recovery, point to as a healthy choice.
I am divorcing my husband. It doesn't feel good. For you, the choice might be staying OR going. I don't know! But don't expect it to feel good. It is a matter of trust for us to see people in recovery and believe that they know something we don't.
I think they do. I am taking it slow.
I already have more peace in my life.
I love my AH greatly and I wish him the best.
The other thing I know is, there isn't a "perfect" choice in my scenario. It doesn't feel good to stay. It doesn't feel good to leave. I am stuck when I look for the "right" thing that feels good. Now, those feelings, for me, are born from a stewpot of fears and hopes and beliefs, not all of them self-supportive! It's such a muck, I can't see it all clearly.
For you, it doesn't feel right to stay. It doesn't feel right to leave. You may need to let go of finding something that feels good or safe and accept you need to listen to those in recovery at this point.
And what they are asking you to do is slow down and continue to learn about you.
That's what they are recommending to me, too! NICE! I can do that.
Hugs, peace