I see it not so much about "how" you ask the questions as much as "what" you are asking about. Is there an undercurrent of trying to control? In this case, I think there is. The communication techniques mentioned are well and good if you are trying to understand someone elses veiwpoint. But just because you apply proper communication guidelines to controlling, doesn't mean it's not still controlling.
I find it's important to look at my motivation. What I say or do, and how I say or do it is less relevant than why I am doing it.
L