What I have come to understand is that I can not change him and I have stopped trying to. What I can change is my thoughts and actions and then to see how that changes the relationship we have. It may makes things better, it may not change things at all or it could make it worse. Up until this point I have not been as genuine as I could have been (due to being a codie) and that was not fair to either of us. Alcoholics need to face the consequences of their behavior and the way I acted did not allow him to face this in our relationship. To ease tension, to not have a major argument I would pacify him. I believed that it was part of being a "good" wife. There were times in there also where the sex was great and I did feel loved and not simply used. The reality is I think it made him feel as if things were better (for men they express love with sex, right). SO status quo continued. As his illness progressed he became more detached, more irritable and much more difficult to be around. It make it harder for me to pacify him, because I was feeling more used, and deeply hurt by how he was behaving. The good sex was less and less because to have good sex I needed to feel attached and loved. When and if I feel attached again, when I feel loved again, then I will have sex. I know this may never happen and I know I can not control or change him, but he can. If this change happens I think I will feel it in my gut. If it doesn't at least I will be a healthier me and can continue to make good choices of what I need in my life.