WOW I leave for a therapy session and have some lunch and come back to all of this! Thank you!!!!
This topic was what we discussed in therapy today. Her words of advise and education to me was there must be something deep inside my AH (any A) that he needs to address in order for him to become healthy. Sometimes they are never able to be honest with themselves or their therapist on what is hurting them so much. We discussed how I am struggling with his lack of compassion and self centered behavior. How one minute he seems like a rational, calm person who understands where I am coming from and the next minute acting like a teenager with crazy accusations. She advised it was a mixture of his alcoholic behavior (which will come and go), the change in the dynamics of our relationship (I am focused on me now, and not being a codie) and how he wants to pull me back into the unhealthy dynamic because that is what is comfortable for him. She helped me to focus back on me. Set the boundary and know what to say and when to talk away from it.
BUT what I am struggling the most with right now this is the intimacy/sex stuff. I do not want to be his pacifier and I am tired of feeling used. Just like those who posted here, what I get is the "nice guy" when he wants sex and if he doesn't get it ,I get the teenager who is angry and spews self centeredness. The in between times I get a detached lump who pays little attention to me, that is on edge and usually grumpy. So now that I am understanding more and more of what being a A does to relationships, how I have been a codie and how that affects things, and I want to end the merry go round, how am I to know what is genuine love and what is more of the same crap? I guess time will tell. To me genuine love is patient and kind. Genuine love wants to hold your hand and hug you just for the sake of doing it. Genuine love does not want you to feel used and will work with you to ensure you don't feel that way. Can a person be an active A and show this type of genuine love? Can I develop the ability to know when it is the alcoholism talking and not be taken in by it? Who knows how this will all play out but for me I have to take the chance that by some miracle I can build some sort of relationship with my AH where I feeling good about me, where I will be able to see his genuine love, and detach from the rest.