Alone22

Why is it that AH can still amaze me with his lack of compassion and self centered thoughts? I have known this man forever and while he has always been self centered he used to be compassionate. That lack of compassion left slowly over many years, and I am not sure when it was gone from our relationship. I assume it is his addiction that makes him that way. I'm sure I had something to do with it to with my codie behavior. BUT it really stings.

For the first time in my life I am trying to understand me and why I act the way I do. I so want to find peace and get out of this life time fog of being a codie sucked into the illness of alcoholism. I have been in therapy, started Alanon, and read Codepence No More. In the past 5 weeks or so I have entered this period of being quiet (which is not like me at all) while I am trying to figure out who I am, and who I need to be. I reached a point in our relationship where I do not know what is genuine vs. what is part of his "dance".... Which in turn has created distance between us both emotional and physical. I feel it is the natural consequence of his addiction and I think for the first time I am actually letting it be instead of reaching out to him in hopes of making it all better. I am trying to let go of the fear that comes with letting it be. About a month ago I sat him down and told him where I was at, that I needed to heal myself, that I did not know if his "nice actions" were genuine or part of this merry go round that I need to stop. I felt like it was a good discussion and he understood where I was coming from.

I thought things were going okay (and I say okay because I longed for a hug, or a kiss or some communication from him that had feeling behind it). One night right before we went to sleep he said to me that he felt alone. So many thoughts raced through my head ( the codie in me so wanted to rescue him from feeling this way, but I also thought what he was saying may have nothing to do with actual feelings but really that he missed sex... then there was the hopeful side that maybe he was actually trying to reach out to me and he was kind of getting it). I simply responded with "me too". It was such a genuine response from me, it was how I have felt (alone) for so long. I waited hoping he would say more, but all he did was roll over and go to sleep.

Over the past few days he brought this up and was so angry with me for not saying or doing more! I simply pointed out he did not either and that too made me sad. A few days later he wanted to moved our savings over to another bank. I bravely asked him to please show me that once the money was moved that I had access to it. This set him off. How dare I think that he would do something not okay with the money. I pointed out that things are so great right now and I needed to protect myself and to make sure. I proceed to get raked over the coals about how well I was distancing myself, how I only wanted him for his paycheck, how when I told him "me too" after he told me he was lonely was to really say "f off" and that I don't care about him, etc. There was zero compassion for me, no thoughts what so ever about how I was feeling at all. I was simply a b*tchy wife who only wanted him for money. Has his brain really become that toxic???! I told him my thoughts with as little words as I could which sent him walking away. I left shortly thereafter for my alanon meeting (thank god). We went to lunch after (thought the whole family was going or else I would have declined) and he sat there like the argument never happened. While he didn't say much, what he did say was rather calm and rational. It is just crazy to me.

I have given him YEARS to "get better" and find recovery and now that I am realizing how sick I am too and trying to get better I get nothing from him. No compassion, no patience, no emotional support.... how selfish! and yet I don't think he has the ability to even realize it.

I so want us to be one of those happily ever after stories. It is so hard when you really love someone so much to think it may never happen.

The future seems so scary.... I hate where I am at emotionally right now!