Hello Whitecat
So, I call him yesterday afternoon (he'd taken the day off because of being congested/likely has a respiratory infection...also little work yesterday) and I IMMEDIATELY noticed slurred speech. I asked him (nicely, NOT accusatory) if he'd been drinking...he answered no (sounding a little exasperated). I asked him if he was on anything and he said no, nothing other than theraflu. I asked him if it's the formula with dextromethorphan which he's abused in the recent past and he said he wasn't sure (doubt he doesn't know which one he's taking!!!). I said (believing his story that it was cold medicine), you better be careful being around people from your program tonite because you're really slurring your speech. At which point, he said he didn't care (what???)...I asked him if he just said he didn't care to see if I heard him correctly and he confirmed he had said he didn't care.
Do you attend Al-Anon? Al-Anon would help you untangle yourself from his recovery. He doesn't really need you instructing him on how to handle is meetings. Al-Anon might also help you come up with a plan for how you want to handle conversations where you think he's been drinking. Questioning him about it is probably only going to annoy both of you because he isn't going to be truthful, you know what you know. You just have to decide what you are going to do about it.
So, here's the deal: I felt confused when I hung up but then I remembered that each time that I THOUGHT he was using when he was drinking at home before he left on his last binge, I was right. So, I'm probably right now. <snip> I know that alcoholism & addiction is progressive so that could be it right there.
I agree with all of that. You know what you know. You do not need tangible proof. Trust you intuition. You have years of history and life lessons that serve as your proof.
I don't have to go through any of the crap that occurs with him acting like I'M the crazy one for thinking such a thing.
Detach. You don't need to go through the crazy making. Well, it is always a little crazy but detaching works better then proof because IME, even with proof it gets crazy. Al-Anon and SR helped me to detach from the crazy.
I've made it abundantly clear to him where I stand in all of this and it's a gravely serious matter if he has in fact relapsed. I guess if I could ask for any feedback, it would be how I could state my case about knowing that SOMETHING was going on but not get thrown off by not having actual proof.
Maybe just tell him that you need some time to think things through. Trusting your intuition doesn't mean you need a big show down by sunset. It will be clear soon enough if he is on the path of relapse or recovery.