Wow...
My addict/alcoholic husband & I are separated because of his last (severe) relapse. No, you are separated because he is a practicing alcoholic/addict who has periods of sobriety.
IMMEDIATELY noticed slurred speech. I asked him (nicely, NOT accusatory) if he'd been drinking...he answered no (sounding a little exasperated). I asked him if he was on anything and he said no, nothing other than theraflu. I asked him if it's the formula with dextromethorphan which he's abused in the recent past and he said he wasn't sure (doubt he doesn't know which one he's taking!!!). I said (believing his story that it was cold medicine), you better be careful being around people from your program tonite because you're really slurring your speech. It doesn't matter if you asked nicely. You asked. You already knew he was drunk. It was passive aggressive and controlling to have the rest of the conversation, not to mention a complete waste of time. The moment you knew he'd been drinking is the moment somebody in Alanon recovery would have hung up the phone (nicely).
I want to emphasize that I couldn't have been nicer throughout our whole conversation yesterday. I warned him to be careful around his meeting that night which is a NORMAL, LOYAL, CARING thing to do out of concern for his getting in trouble for something he was telling me was a FLUKE. It doesn't matter if you were nice. Nice doesn't matter. This, too, was passive-aggressive and controlling, and you were actually trying to protect him from the consequences of his drinking! Good God.
He ended up ending the call by saying....I guess I'll talk to you later since you think I'm talking weird......which kinda has a slight belligerent/accusatory feel. Again, I wasn't accusatory or mean...I even assured him that he didn't need to apologize to me for sounding strange when I first told him he sounded 'off'. I said there was no need to apologize for that. What was strange was that shortly after I told him there was no need to apologize, he ended up apologizing twice more....what?!? He was drunk, and probably feeling guilty. After all this time did you really expect anything different?
So, here's the deal: I felt confused when I hung up but then I remembered that each time that I THOUGHT he was using when he was drinking at home before he left on his last binge, I was right. So, I'm probably right now. There's no way a sober, 47 year old man talks so obviously different, slurring his speech, misspeaking words, unless something's going on (ok, other than a brain tumor or something). I'm just so blindsided because it doesn't fit his past m.o. of getting his act together. Why are you still trying to figure this out and understand it? He was drunk. You know it. He's an alcoholic who knows how to play the rehab game. You know it. What's left to figure out? Good God, decide how it is you want to live the rest of your life and if it's not like this make a change. Do you go to Alanon? If not, please seriously consider it. It will help you.
I know that alcoholism & addiction is progressive so that could be it right there. One thing that has me thrown off is that I have no real proof...only the obvious evidence. I don't need proof for any other reason than that if I have concrete proof, I don't have to go through any of the crap that occurs with him acting like I'M the crazy one for thinking such a thing. This is BS. You are lying to yourself and you know it. You have so much real proof, years worth, that if it were water you'd be drowning in it. Seriously? Good God.
I've made it abundantly clear to him where I stand in all of this and it's a gravely serious matter if he has in fact relapsed. I guess if I could ask for any feedback, it would be how I could state my case about knowing that SOMETHING was going on but not get thrown off by not having actual proof. What alcoholics hear when we say stuff like this: blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...
One more thing: it was completely uncharacteristic of him to not call me last night - usually we talk each evening between 9 & 10. He didn't call me at all last night and I didn't call him because I just didn't know what to say, nor did I want to have any kind of repeat of the previous confusing conversation. One more thing. Alcoholism is progressive, and what is characteristic in the past will not necessarily be characteristic in the future. I'll tell you this, it's completely characteristic for an alcoholic.
Please, please, please find an Alanon meeting and go as often as possible. It's an emergency for you.
Take what you want and leave the rest.
Cyranoak