Thread: Blindsided
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Old 04-06-2011, 04:21 AM
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whitecat
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Lakeland, FL
Posts: 9
Blindsided

I'm really just trying to process what just occurred so I'm posting what happened yesterday.

My addict/alcoholic husband & I are separated because of his last (severe) relapse. I said he couldn't come home from jail (45 days in jail after vandalizing the hotel room where he'd been on a binge), that he needed to go to rehab. I wanted him to go to one where they have a focus on family restoration. The places that fit that criteria were too restrictive in his opinion. So, he found a halfway house that has random UA/drug screenings and requires 4 meetings/week (they have zero tolerance for relapse). He's been there since mid Feb. and no problems.

His history is that he really gets his act together well after a serious relapse. He's extraordinarily good at rehab -- meaning he becomes a model patient. He stays clean for a year or two, then another relapse (this is a rough idea of what most of his life has been like).

He also got his job back which was a huge vote of confidence from his boss. His re-employment was on new, stricter terms but other than that, it's like he was never gone.

He & I had been getting along really well. We hadn't really delved into any serious matters other than a handful of times which pretty much resulted in a stalemate. We'd talked about seeing a counselor but never came up with an actual plan. We're attending a new church together and also a home group with a couple of friends.

We see each other on weekends...it's almost like we're dating...and we had an excellent weekend just this past week.

So, I call him yesterday afternoon (he'd taken the day off because of being congested/likely has a respiratory infection...also little work yesterday) and I IMMEDIATELY noticed slurred speech. I asked him (nicely, NOT accusatory) if he'd been drinking...he answered no (sounding a little exasperated). I asked him if he was on anything and he said no, nothing other than theraflu. I asked him if it's the formula with dextromethorphan which he's abused in the recent past and he said he wasn't sure (doubt he doesn't know which one he's taking!!!). I said (believing his story that it was cold medicine), you better be careful being around people from your program tonite because you're really slurring your speech. At which point, he said he didn't care (what???)...I asked him if he just said he didn't care to see if I heard him correctly and he confirmed he had said he didn't care. Let me say right here that my AH isn't really the "I don't care" rebel type so for him to say he didn't care doesn't sound characteristic at all. Moreover, it's either living where he's living or he's HOMELESS and he knows that. I've taken a firm but loving stance (justifiably so) and told him I need to see at least 6 months of sobriety plus change before I could even begin to start trusting him again so he can't be thinking that he could come back home if he gets kicked out of where he's living.

I want to emphasize that I couldn't have been nicer throughout our whole conversation yesterday. I warned him to be careful around his meeting that night which is a NORMAL, LOYAL, CARING thing to do out of concern for his getting in trouble for something he was telling me was a FLUKE.

He ended up ending the call by saying....I guess I'll talk to you later since you think I'm talking weird......which kinda has a slight belligerent/accusatory feel. Again, I wasn't accusatory or mean...I even assured him that he didn't need to apologize to me for sounding strange when I first told him he sounded 'off'. I said there was no need to apologize for that. What was strange was that shortly after I told him there was no need to apologize, he ended up apologizing twice more....what?!?

So, here's the deal: I felt confused when I hung up but then I remembered that each time that I THOUGHT he was using when he was drinking at home before he left on his last binge, I was right. So, I'm probably right now. There's no way a sober, 47 year old man talks so obviously different, slurring his speech, misspeaking words, unless something's going on (ok, other than a brain tumor or something). I'm just so blindsided because it doesn't fit his past m.o. of getting his act together.

I know that alcoholism & addiction is progressive so that could be it right there. One thing that has me thrown off is that I have no real proof...only the obvious evidence. I don't need proof for any other reason than that if I have concrete proof, I don't have to go through any of the crap that occurs with him acting like I'M the crazy one for thinking such a thing.

I've made it abundantly clear to him where I stand in all of this and it's a gravely serious matter if he has in fact relapsed. I guess if I could ask for any feedback, it would be how I could state my case about knowing that SOMETHING was going on but not get thrown off by not having actual proof.

One more thing: it was completely uncharacteristic of him to not call me last night - usually we talk each evening between 9 & 10. He didn't call me at all last night and I didn't call him because I just didn't know what to say, nor did I want to have any kind of repeat of the previous confusing conversation.
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