Hugs to you DestinyM. Its a full time job living in chaos, and it is tiring!!
One thing that jumped out at me.. is accepting unacceptable behavior. It is entirely your right to have peace in your home. My kids (though they are much younger) know very clearly that I will not tolerate them yelling, fighting or instigating each other. Period. If they do so, there are consequences, no negotiations.
If the you don't like your 22yo drinking, don't accept it. "no drinking in the apartment. No coming home after drinking." just a thought... Bc her wines coolers seemed to irritate you.
Most times I am irritated or mad at someone its because my boundaries are being violated. It's up to me, and only me, to protect them.