I contemplated this type of ultimatum to my exABF, the "working a program" part. But then I realized that in order to stick to that ultimatum, I would have to monitor his recovery. In order to see if he was crossing my boundary or not, I would be mentally keeping track of whether he was going to meetings, doing the steps, etc (that is my version of recovery, btw, everyone's different). I realized that I have no desire to be managing or monitoring someone else's recovery. It goes back to the idea of me judging how someone else is living their life, and whether it reaches my standards or not. I don't want to live like that. I can't imagine being with someone who was questioning my meetings, my inventory, my stepwork, etc., and telling me that I wasn't doing it right, or to their satisfaction.
It seems like you are at the crossroads here. I also agree with what LTD was saying, that it sounds like no matter what he does, it's not going to be enough. That pretty much says it all.
Just my opinion...