Dear RAH ...
Dear RAH,
I was so happy when you decided to go to rehab. Happy but scared. I thought you would come out and things would be making at least a slight bit of sense.
Not so fast ... it turns out things maybe make less sense now.
I blame this, perhaps unfairly, on your inability to embrace your recovery. On one hand, I don't know if it's fair for me to have expected that I would essentially force you to go in ("you go or I leave") and then you would come out happy, gleeful, and ready to recover. On the other hand, I was hoping you would be a little bit more excited about it than the emotions you are currently displaying.
There are several things I think. There are several things I am frustrated by. First ... you went into that place unable to take naps and now all you do is nap? And as a result, you've missed two meetings in the last three days? That, to me, implies depression or ignoring the issue. In order to heal, you must address your issues. In order to address your issues, you must think about them. In order to think about them, you must a) attend meetings, b) read the literature, and c) not sleep for hours and hours on end. Just a thought.
Second ... this you putting the drinking recovery thing somewhat on me is, as you've said, unfair. I am upping it to totally unfair though. Instead of your "open and honest" communication being helpful, it makes me want to run away from you further. It's not fair that you're top three triggers are me leaving/divorcing/separating from you, me being out of town, and me telling you to drink. The big one for me was not only the trigger fact, but also what I asked you last night. "If I told you that you could drink, would you do it immediately?" Pause ... "no" ... pause "but it would be nearly impossible for me to not drink."
THAT IS AWESOME. I love having it on my shoulders. Part of me wants to just tell you to drink SO FREAKING BADLY. Or not tell you to drink, but to make your own damn decision. I don't know if that's because I don't want the control (I don't ... at all ... and I feel like it's unfair that you're putting it on me) or if I am just prepping myself for when you fail.
I forgive you for the past. That doesn't mean I don't know you're an alcoholic though. And that doesn't mean I expect you to not stick to a program, pin your recovery on someone else, and then still succeed at this.
So frustrating.
Your Wife