My RAH would not listen to anyone while he was active.
There were a few friends who did not go the AA route who just gave up booze, and he had a few talks with them. As long as there was no angle of trying to convert him, he could be open to a conversation, as long as it stayed casual.
Anytime his brothers spoke to him, he was able to at least see that what they had to say was valid about his drinking problem, and how it looked , or what level it had gotten to. He would hear me say something 10 times, then his brother/s would say it once, and bingo. He would hear it, not that that would change anything in itself, but I am a firm believer in that chipping away idea. layers.
Anything I ever initiated was shot down. Because I was too close.
Anything having to do with a program was shot down.
I will cut and paste something from another post that happened in his sobriety,(which isnt all that different on some key levels), a for instance where someone else saying something actually made all the difference.
My point is, you can mention things to him, but a close sibling, or a family friend...someone outside of his anger/trigger zone..someone he thinks he has fooled into thinking all is well---mentioning something can really shock him to a deeper level, get him closer to being able to hear it from himself. A lot of alcoholics count on their delusional projected idea of the reality of their drinking not being shattered by those around them. He may think his sister doesnt really know, or it may be a cousin, an old buddy. ...MY RAH had this happen recently, and this was not about active drinking, but the behaviors in recovery that he was counting on everyone ignoring/playing along with::
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One big for instance:
When A lived with us, he whined and struggled with being entitled and basically everyday teenage behavior. Since he left, he still had been living that way.
When he was here, his boss (cousin) and his brother (coworker) supposedly never found fault with him or his behavior...it was me me me. I was the only one who found him grandiose, entitled, whiny...
This past Friday, his brother and cousin had a sit down with him.
They framed it as "Look, you wouldnt let someone walk around with lettuce in their teeth for six months, would you? So we are going to tell you something you need to know about yourself. "
They proceeded to tell him that he is widely disliked by the crews on the job, and becoming increasingly hated because of his whining about doing a job, after rehab that they have all been doing all along, he expects special treatment, he gets more opportunity, and they are all getting fed up with his sh*t.
My RAH, was able to hear this from THEM. Even though, for 4 months, I said it nicely, calmly, then increasingly agitatedly. Until I was screaming, "You have lettuce in your teeth!!", LOL...
My point being, I was serving as an escape hatch. I was the person he was allowing himself to scapegoat. And I was expecting something more, so, I also allowed it for a time. I was the one saying it, so it didnt matter, because, of course I find fault in everything.
He called me on Saturday, to let me know that he had been to a meeting after they confronted him, and he had had an AHA moment.
He put it this way:
"You know how you hear stories about a guy who ran into a burning house to save someone? And the news talks to them about it, and they say, ' Oh, it was nothing, really, its just what anybody would do.' Well, it may not be what anybody would do, but it was the decent thing to do. And I feel like I have been a different kind of guy, one who says to the news, 'yeah, I saved the person. I am a hero. Do you want to give me money? Can I get a TV show for it? Im glad you see how great I am..'. .."
If my RAH stayed here, he would never get to that little understanding that we all take for granted from non addicts.
He would have continued to have an escape hatch that was provided by our respective resentful and vengeful dynamics.
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This experience has also helped me realize that that whole "let go, let god" thing they say in alanon really means that I cant do it all. If I let go a little, my RAH life takes him places he needs to go, also. I am not the only one, and really , he was unable to hear any of that stuff from me, drinking or otherwise, because he was hurting me so much, that I was lashing out at him....