Thread: I blew it...
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Old 03-31-2011, 09:05 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
wanttobehealthy
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
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Last week right before I went to al anon he started in trying to bait me and I walked out and didn't let it get to me... This week when I got back from al anon he did the same thing.

I thought last week was a fluke that it happened to happen before I was going to al anon. Now I am not so stupid.

This past Fri night I went out with my mom and when I returned and hadn't replied to his many texts wanting to know where I was and what I was doing (I gave him the bare necessities and said I'd be back before X time and then left my phone in my purse and actively enjoyed where I was instead of worrying about him) he also tried to bait me.

I thought all of this was "coincidental" but clearly I was in denial.

Here's what I see: H sees that I am living my own life for me. Going to al anon vs staying home worrying about him. Going out with my mom and not obsessing about him as I've done in the past. He sees this and doesn't like the fact that at the same time I am doing these things I also seem surprisingly calm/happy. He needs to stop that before I really un do the status quo and leave him with no one to look at but himself. So, he pulls out all the stops to try and make me associate doing things for me with being blamed and getting into a fight with him so that I will hopefully be too scared to continue doing things for me. The crap he pulled last Fri night was the 2nd time in a month he'd done that after I went out for dinner/drinks with someone and had fun. And honestly, I now feel a twinge of "I should keep from him that I'm going out" or "I shouldn't ask him to stay with the girls if I go out" or "I shouldn't go out at all bc it causes too much conflict". I mean this thinking is like classic abused/abuser thinking/behavior and it's kind of shocking to see it occurring...

He did the same with al anon the past 2 weeks. For years he's told me I'm ill and need help and need to worry about me and not him. Well now that I am doing that and agreeing that I am ill and do need help he wants to stop me from doing what he's claimed I should for years...

SICK.

And still, at the end of the day I am most upset with myself for getting sucked in. I don't need it, I don't want it, I don't deserve it and I am sick of living with it.
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