Before my RAH got sober, at one point, he had begun to see a younger girl.
SHe was gorgeous.
She is 26. I am 42.
RAH and I have a son.
He had painted a picture to me that she was the ultimately successful younger version of me, only she was nice. And she was tolerant. She thought he was awesome, and she wanted to help him get on his feet, (not like me, who tore him down, etc..)
she bought him beers, and in exchange for that and more she was granted his charming company...which was still charming because it was new, and he needed her.
She was a very pretty girl. And I felt like crap. I felt old, and once, when I saw them out,she asked me why I wasnt home in bed, "Arent you, like, 50? Shouldnt you be home with your child?"
I struggled with this. I felt replaced, and for a minute, I believed that he had found someone better, that he was going to change for her, that she was the me I could never be...tolerant, loving, supportive...bright, fresh and new.
It took only a month.
She had a good job with the state, had a nice car....lived a little far out of town...
What I found out later, was that he had conned her into buying him a hotel room for 10 days, they stayed there,with her commuting to work some 35 minutes away... and did whatever. Then he decided he wanted to get sober(one of many tries).
He went to his mothers to stay. She did not like that he wanted to get sober, apparently and filed a small claims suit for the hotel money.
The girl that he made sound so shiny and bright and supportive ended up being a fall down drunk. She was banned from the bar he frequented for stalking him, attacking him.
She had been in and out of psych wards. She had borderline personality disorder. She was from my hometown, and I had a mutual friend who saw them together give me the lowdown on this girl.
She was known to become involved with messed up men, she had become completely obssessed with a number of them. He ended up having to file a restraining order against her, because she came to his mothers house and sat outside all night, calling him some 150 times. Knocking on the door, and looking into the windows!
Certainly he was no victim. He had lied to her, used her, and pretty much did what he had done to all the women he got himself attached to while active. This one was very sick, and he ended up with a major mess on his hands.
Another one, was a young foreign girl, that he told me was madly in love with him. He kept her a secret, would crash at her house when things were bad with us, then I found out about her.
Our city is a major one, but our social circle is smallish. I had known of her, seen her.
She was a model. Young, foreign. She seemed so exotic. I felt like I was old hat, I had been the problem, apparently, because this cool, young thing really did get all the good stuff. She deserved it, I thought, I had not deserved it...
I learned more about their dynamic after he had ended it with her, and
She was raised by a severely alcoholic father in RUssia, who she played alcoholic nurse maid to for her entire childhood. She was dream date for an A.
She would wait for him to show up at 2 or 3am. because he never took her out.
She had her fridge stocked with vodka and cigarettes for him.
SICK. I know. BUt, to hear him tell it, she was a wonderful, successful beautiful young woman, who loved him, and cared about him, and HELPED him...This girl would WAIT for him, not go out, and when he would come home to be with us(his family) he lied and said he had to, he had no choice, etc...She believed him.
Enablers are everywhere. They are easy to find, because so many people are unhealed.
PLease try to remember that.
His needs will not be met by some healthy, together, better version of you.
His plug doesnt match that outlet.
At this point, RAH is sober, 6 months. He does not see other women, lives outside of our home, and works. He claims I am the only real person who ever loved him, because I did not, and would not enable him. Now, he is still a jerk, and he has a lot of work to do, but...
When he starts dating, I still know that he will not be attracting some grand, better, more understanding woman. He will put his best stuff up front, like we all do, and whoever takes the bait will have matching plugs/outlet.