wanttobehealthy

AH left in a huff last night after staying with the girls (they were in bed) while I went to al anon.

As of last night he is staying with a friend from work and his wife. He was on the phone when I came in and I guess didn't realize I was there and he was having a GRAND time laughing about how great it'll be that he'll be there and what wine to bring for his wife etc...

I said nothing but he knew I heard it all. I did call an hour later to be sure he made it safely and got no response.

It's always this way. Selective ability to reach him depending on whether he chooses to be reachable or not.

I left a message saying I hoped he made it fine (he was walking there and it was late) and went to bed.

This morning he showed up and had clearly been drinking the night before. Still I said nothing but I felt myself starting to have a hard time. He started in asking what was wrong, why I was avoiding him, telling me how I had clearly "checked out" of the marriage etc...

And yes, I took the bait and am a wreck now. I'll spare you the details but suffice to say I reacted badly, am obsessed with his recovery (or lack thereof) again, am tempted to email his work buddy and tell him H is an alcoholic and to please tell me if he was drinking etc...

Instead of that I am here-- I am SOOOOOO pissed that no matter how hard I am trying he is trying ever HARDER to break me... He even commented over the past few days about how happy I am and whether it's bc I am over him... I explained that I was focussing on me and happy bc I was feeling good about worrying about my flaws and working on them and that it had nothing to do with being over him at all...

I thought I was doing better and I guess all is not lost, but his need to suck me back in and my difficulty keeping myself from being sucked in was stronger than my working the program this morning...

I can't have no contact because of the girls but really that's the only way I think I can, for now, keep my emotional distance.

You should have seen him- it was like a shift came over him- and he was on a mission and wasn't going to stop until I reacted. And this morning, when I am overtired from D3 not sleeping, overwhelmed bc of my job loss, PMSing big time (perhaps tmi?!) -- I tried really hard but I broke and I am angry at ME for doing so and angry at him for caring more about pulling me down with him than seeing me get better and want to join me on the way up. Today was really eye opening and I really, really don't think there's a bit of hope of him changing.

Until today I was holding out hope that maybe, just maybe there was something left to save in our marriage but I really don't think there is. I think I need to rip off the bandaid in one fell swoop so to speak and file for divorce and be done with it.


This sucks.