Welcome!
I understand where you're coming from completely. I drank while trying to abstain for many years. My life was miserable, even when I drnak. It got to the point where I didn't even know why I drank. Then I figured it out: I'm an alcoholic.
Maybe you can get some help? A counselor? AA? Anything that'll help.
The first drink is the one that kills me. In fact, I've never had just one drink in my life.
I'm now over fourteen months sober, and living life again. I wish the same for you.