HELP .... Need strength
AH and I have had several one sided conversations about seperation. I know its for the best, I know it in my heart that my children are being affected by the verbal abuse they hear, the violent outbursts, and the over all atmosphere in my home. I made it very clear that once he started his job and got his first check he was to get out. Sooooooooooooooo
Last night we had another chat, but I am so confused I think I might have missed a part of the conversation.
Him "I don't know why you hate me? We have built this life together for 15 years, how can we just walk away I feel like we failed"
Me "I love you, I never said I hated you. BUT I need to think about the kids and what they are learning from our relationship"
Him "I agree"
Me "I am scared to be with you, I refuse to live scared"
Him "I don't like you being scared of me, I would never want to hurt you"
Him "I can't imagine ever being with anyone else, I only want to be with you!"
Me "Is that really what you are thinking about? My replacement ?"
Him "No, I just mean I don't want us to end... I want to grow old together and watch our kids grow up together"
Me "We will both be there for the kids, we just can't be there as a couple"
Him "I just want to hold you, can't we still love each other"
Me "This is not easy for me, Of course I want to grab ahold of you BUT I know that will make this more painful"
Me: "I can not keep fighting with you, Its killing me...."
Him "i know we need to stop fighting!"
Me: "I would love to just have a happy family with you, but how long am I expected to wait for that to happen?"
Him: "I know you have put up with alot, and so have I. I have forgiven you!"
LATER ...
Him "Are you coming to bed"
Me "I am going to stay on the couch"
Him "why should you be uncomfortable sleeping on the couch?"
Me (thinking, no kidding why should I be on the couch! He should be on the Couch!) Whatever I am exhausted off to BED
Morning.... as I was getting in the shower.....
Him: "I can't wait to make love to you tonight"
Me: "Are you kidding? I didn't know we were anywhere near that point AGAIN"
Him: "well you just got naked infront of me!"
Me: "Actually I was getting into the shower and the door was closed! Maybe I should have locked it"
As I left for work:
Him: You look great, I love you!
Here I am wondering what the heck happened yesterday ? He is acting like nothing happened over the weekend.... like he did not try to break down the door, like he did not smash my cell phone (AGAIN)? I am so confused.
I am recalling the Abuser Thread I had read, the wolf in sheeps clothing is knocking at my door.....