Originally Posted by
damselfly 
Things that annoy me, or things I disagree with - holding onto those things and ruminating on them, even searching them out it seems. Yesterday I was even getting annoyed with this site, and then I realized that I was willingly searching out threads that I had some sort of disagreement with and reading those rather than searching for more helpful topics.
I had it myself for a long time, i called it a 'negative thought train', that didn't really get me anywhere. I would always end up with a negative, sometimes regardless of my original thoughts or feelings. Even visual or audible intake.
If i think back to the rock bottom i hit, it made sense in a way, if you know what i mean. I was so low at the bottom, i saw i only had two choices. I chose to dust myself off and start anew. I set out things very quickly that i felt i needed, just to live. I made them happen, but with a great deal of help also. As things started to happen that were obviously good, or better at least, i felt improved no end, but i rattled for Alcohol like i was insane. It was a tugg o war in my head, but i stayed off it, and remained off balance as it were for almost 18 months! I still kept to my original intentions throughout this time and it was tough, really. The difficulties were so hard on my thought train that i felt it was useless what i was trying to do. But! i also found during the 18mts that my natural confidence was returning (no meds, but some folk do need them, perhaps i did), i was starting to relate better 'all round'.
Alcohol abuse had secretly drained away my confidence, and i didn't even know. I never realised just how important it was for 'me', as a person.
When it was returning, it seemed to have a knock on effect, first thing i noticed was that i smiled better, more happily. Then all i can say is, it catapulted me back into the world and my life.
I still have a deep thought train but no where near as often, and very rarely negative.
Not meaning to stretch this post out, but my point is really, early Sobriety is a difficult time to say the least, and it needs to be stuck with (but you already know that part right!!).
Once i realised i missed my confidence, i focused on it. Loss of this much needed 'state of a persons being' is my biggest deterrent against relaps.
I find it helps me with the differences i have about life, enabling me to quite simply 'live it'.
I think next to the value of consciousness, 'time' is worth the same.
I really do hope things happen for you :-)