View Single Post
Old 03-28-2011, 05:59 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
putmeontheair
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 103
Thanks all, so far, for the advice. I really appreciate it. I can dole it out, but I just suck at following my own!

In response to some of the responses ... Yeah, never thought I would be here. On the other hand, if I think about it, it is no shock. I knew he was an A when I married him. I just wanted to be married so badly. And I do love him even though my disappointment in how things have turned out is soaking through my post.

My marriage has been miserable thus far, so, yes, it is fair to say I am not happy in my marriage. At all. But there are those times he just gives me hope and that is what makes it so darn confusing. Things can be miserable, and then he starts to come back from the edge. He tells me (I see the manipulation) of how scared he is to lose me. I know he is at least partially telling the truth, but also partially he is enjoying skating on his free ride (it's not like he can pay the mortgage). He claims he has never intentionally taken advantag of me ... Maybe so, but something that looks and sounds like a duck is usually a duck.

I want to have hope and that is where I am struggling. Right now, I just feel so tired. I left for my Al-Anon meeting tonight and didn't tell him. He texted an hour or so later (he was sleeping when I left of course) and asked here I was. I told him and just said my heart is confused. It really is. The man I am with is not one I want to raise children with because I know I will do all the work. I don't want to grow old with this man because I know that I I'll br sitting on the front porch alone while he plays video games or otherwise is distractd/isolating. But the man who he has been in the past? I want to do this things with that guy.

I wish it was black and white. Wouldn't that be beautiful? I think so.
putmeontheair is offline