Good job CR!! I've kinda been going through the same thing. When I got out of the hospital on Tuesday I was firmly convinced that nothing could make my use again!! Well the weekend was a struggle, not because it was the weekend, but because I was starting to get back into my old routine again.
So I changed it up. Instead of playing video games, I read. I took my bike out for a ride, even though I didn't feel like it. I went to the gym, even though I didn't feel like it. I think doing just about anything that I don't feel like doing is the right thing, because what I really felt like doing, was getting high. When I drove by the gas stations I used to get spice from, part of me was screaming out to stop, just one more won't hurt that much. But I kept driving. I thought about the black $hit I am still spitting up out of my lungs. Thinking about ending back in the hospital, or worse yet, not making it there.
I don't know how much damage I've done to my body over that last 20+ years of substance abuse, and for most of that time I didn't really care. I'm starting to care, just starting, but, well, it's a start. I've hated myself for too long. I can't say that I love myself, but I don't think I hate myself anymore either. Like I said, I guess I'm just now stating to care at all. I haven't been to a medical doctor for a physical in more than a decade. I'm 42 and am a bit afraid of what they will tell me but I made an appointment to get checked out.
Anyway, I didn't mean to hijack your thread CR, but I can really identify with where you are coming from. I'll keep you in mind as I "fight the good fight". Keep fighting it!! Take care.