tyler

Hello all. It's been some time since I've been posting regularly around here. In the past this has been a helpful place for me to seek advice and try to help others in need.

A bit of background for those who don't know me. I was a long time, heavy pot smoker (3g/day, at least) for over 20 years. It caused major damage in my life. I lost my wife, custody of my child, home, jobs, hundereds of thousands of dollars, etc. I have been to inpatient rehab, twice. I also have a host of mental problems (major depression, anxiety, posible bi-polar) and have been hospitalized 3 times, the most recent being last week. Obviously the mental health issues and substance abuse are entertwined.

I haven't smoked pot in almost 2 years, but about a year ago I started smoking "spice". It is a substance sprayed with chemicals that effect the same part of the brain as pot does. Until recently it was legal. Of course, just because it is legal, doesn't mean that it's ok to use. Soon I was smoking it just as heavily as I did pot. I stopped smoking it about 4 weeks ago. Using was my primary coping skill when it came to work related anxiety. I work in sales, and though I do quite well, it causes me a great deal of stress and anxiety. After quitting, my anxiety levels continued to grow and grow. I've since read that this can be a side effect of smoking spice. I reached the point where the anxiety turned into desperation and depression. I became suicidal, planning on stepping in front of a fast moving train on tracks near my house.

I had just come home from a long weekend out of town and couldn't bear the thought of returning to work. I completely broke down, becoming a sobbing mess. Through this, I finally did one thing right, one thing I almost never do. I asked for help. Since my suicide attempt almost 5 years ago, I live with my parents. They were getting ready to go out of town for a week. I asked my mother to stay with me. I feel confident that if she hadn't, I would not be here today writing this. I then scheduled an appointment with my theripist, who suggested I speak with my doctor, who took one look at me and suggested I check into the hospital, which I did. It was the right thing to do. They changed up some of my meds and got me stable.

There is a misconseption about mental hospitals that they are there to actually "fix" you. In reality they are kinda like a mental health ER. They patch you up enough to keep you alive and when you get out you really work on your issues that got you there. That said, I did have somewhat of a breakthrough while there. I asked to speak with a psychologist for some one on one therapy. I discussed my depression with him. How I beat myself up for having pi$$ed away the last 20 years, the guilt I felt, how it weighed me down. He said it sounded like I used pot to cope with the stress of life. I agreed. He asked me if I knew how other people coped with stress. I said I didn't. He said that some people drank or used hard drugs like, meth, coke, herion. Others acted out violently or sexually. Now there are certainly more postive ways to deal with stress, but I smoked pot. Not the best method, but in the whole scheme of things, not the worst either. For the first time, I was able to give myself a break, and it felt like a huge weight had been lifted. I've slept much better since then.

So I've been out of the hospital for a week. I go back to work tomorrow. I am already feeling the anxiety building. I have an appointment with the doctor to review my meds today. I am going to set up an appointment with an new theripist today as well. I don't really feel like I was making any progress with the old one. The question is, what am I going to do differently this time?

One thing I have started doing is service work. I have started working with a group that collects and distributes food to the hungry. One thing being in the hospital showed me is that as bad as things may seem for me, there are many others for whom things are much worse. Helping them helps me. Perhaps a bit of a selfish way to look at it, but whatever gets the job done!! I am working our more regularly, but I need to do more. I know for a fact that it makes me feel better when I do it, but I hate to do it!! It is going to be even more difficult when I go back to work, but I am going to need it even more then. I would dearly like to find a "group therapy" group I could participate in. I have found this to be, by far, the most effective therapy for me. However, the only times I have had access to it was when I have been confined in the mental hospital or in rehab. I hate to think I have to get "locked up" to find a decent group. I am more than willing to pay for it and drive where I need to to find it. I have been trying to work on meditation, but it is very much a work in progress. I would like to try to get in touch with a spiritual side of me that I'm not sure exists.

So that's my situation. Congrats if you made it this far!! Any and all input is welcome. Thanks for listening.