I am feeling really successful that this weekend is the 1st in months if not years where I did not cry, scream, wind up feeling insane/miserable etc...
And you know what? That's not bc my AH did anything different than usual. If anything he increased the trigger things that 100 times out of 100 get the same reaction out of me. And I didn't bite-- not once.
Today he was here with the girls in the morning. I stayed (bc I have made it clear that I have concern about his drinking when alone with the girls and so I will be present, although in a different part of the house- this was also what the T the girls see recommended). Anyway, the girls were fussy, talking at the same time, whining (basically being kids). He asked a question at one point about an email he sent on Fri and I told him I'd replied and if he wanted to have a chat about the questions he had I was happy to (it was practical stuff about the house, bills etc...). Out of the blue he got agitated and sighed and said that I'd caught him off guard and this was NOT the time to talk about this (remember, he brought this up) and that I was stressing he and the girls out and maybe he would not even go to his meeting this morning... I just said okay, that's fine and then decided that I'd go down the street to a coffee shop and read for the hour left between then and his AA meeting. I got my things and said I was respecting his request that I leave as I certainly did not want to add to the stress he felt and said I trusted that things would be okay for the hour and asked whether I should be back in time for his meeting or not? Reply: "I don't know- just get out of my face". Me: Okay, bring the girls to me if you decide you want to go to the meeting. I'll be at x coffee place...
That's just one example of the kind of "its all your fault I am stressed out", "I want to distort reality to blame you for my feeling stressed" and "won't you please take the bait so I can have an excuse to drink" stuff that goes on all the time.
For YEARS I get engaged in it and argue and defend and try to prove my innocence against the accusations. Today I was happy to just say "okay" and leave.
I know I didn't handle it all perfectly, but there wasn't a fight, I didn't cry, the girls didn't get subjected to tension that I contributed to, I had energy and peace within myself and felt GOOD.
I don't know what "clicked" but I swear that I feel like a new person... I've been consumed, obsessed even for years with what AH is doing and not doing, whether he's lying or not, worrying about HIS recovery vs my own.... and right now I feel like I have a new lease on life-- I not only get why I need to focus on me but I WANT to and I feel excited about getting to do so.... I guess I've finally given myself permission to focus on me and this is something I haven't done EVER in my life.
I took care of my Dad's feelings, I tried to make my siblings like me (my mother painted me as the black sheep and to protect themselves they all went along with it) by caring about their feelings and never my own, I've done the same with friends, boyfriends, and my AH for years... And Fri, being out with my mom ironically (who has BPD and was VERY abusive toward me as a kid) and talking to her about al anon and me and what I am working on -- something clicked and I feel amazing...
I'm still sad about my marriage, still scared about my job, still have a lonnnnng way to go to not be enabling and co dependant, but I can see myself for the first time ever as someone deserving of my attention and that's nothing short of remarkable for me!
Thank you all for being a part of my education about me and getting to this point--- I can't pinpoint what made the light go on but I know this site, my own therapy and my al anon group surely all had a part...
