Hey all. Thanks for all of the messages of support, I am glad that I have SR in my life and it is something that I didn't want to just run away from. It would be easy to just never post again or whatever but I know where I want to get to and I really don't want for much in this life. I like being happy and peaceful. I know what the various reasons are for what got me into that place and so do those close to me. The fact that I'm an alcoholic was never in any doubt for me and my bender was no different to any other of my benders, although I did make the conscious decision to end the torture after a couple of days and I dumped the six beers out, I knew that if I had of drunk one then that would been another day of mental and emotional torture for me and my family. But that is not important as it's easy for somebody like me to drink themselves into blackout and that's the only way it would ever be and I knew that. I feel like I have greater clarity now and have been starkly reminded of a few things that I needed to be reminded of first-hand.
Yeah, I think this has allowed me to gain greater clarity of things which I think will do me a lot of good. It certainly has made me truly apppreciate what I have in my life and how well I'd actually done in my recovery and what I'd achieved. 95% of my recovery was spent in a place of peace and serenity and where I would honestly say I could not really wish to be in a better place in my head. There was no obsession to drink within my sobriety/recovery but for a few months I guess things have been building within me and I felt trapped. I felt like I had nobody to go to with these problems, and they are not related to alcoholism per se. They are individual issues that I have suffered with and I know that a lot of my drinking was to try to mask them. They are things which I will only trust with proffessionals and no way would I trust any of the stuff with somebody off the street. That's something which I did at 9 months sober and got signed off after about 6 weeks because I was doing so well, but over the last few months I think I needed help with certain things and I know that now. I didn't want to ask for help and also I hoped it was stuff that I had beaten. Anyway I certainly haven't lost anything in relation to what I gained in my recovery over the past 21 months and I've got over beating myself up for losing that time and am seeing things in a different way in relation to that now.
What I realised is that feelings of shame, guilt, remorse, sadness, embarassment and many more I simply hadn't felt for 21 months. That is something that I simply don't want back in my life.
That I'm an alcoholic and an addict is not in any doubt for me and never was, rather I just felt stuck and it's hard to describe and felt there was nobody to go to with the stuff I needed to talk about. Well I'm going to bite the bullet again and get this all out.
I certainly have learned a lot from this experience and it will be a part of my journey and will further strengthen my recovery. I experienced such profound peace, serenity and feeling of true happiness in my recovery that I realised that they are where happiness is at and that no chemicals could give me that. I knew that anyway but I guess I just needed to feel it and experience it...
Thanks again SR,
Peace