Learning Forget & Forgive..After so much has been lost..Easier said than done!!
There are so many things that I have lost in life due to his diesase & his behaviors. OMG...I could write a list of things that I have lost!!!
The main struggle of loss for me is:
I basically lost the realtionship with my daughter, due to his A behavior.
Havent hardly talked to her in 2 years. Now Im missing out on my new
grandbaby. Note: He took her to a tavern when she was underage, we moved
her to her real dads house, trying to protect her from a town of evil rumors and gossip. (Me, I not only tried to protect her as a normal mom, I tried to
protect her as a codie mom) Basically choked my own daughter to death..
I struggle with this everyday and have for 2 years now. Its like burying
one of your kids...I miss her so much. There are days I would give anything
just to hold her hand, smell her hair, see her beautiful smile.
(That is just one story of his behaviors with my kids)
RAH moved almost 2000 miles away. Said it was Gods plan. He has NO recovery program. He is on constant emotional rollercoaster like: Demands answers of staying married or not, accuses me of sleeping with people, loves me, everything is for sale, to how is the weather..very crazy stuff...
As far as me, Im working the Alanon program, taking care of the house, the business, the yard, the bills, the repairs, the everyday B.S...
Today he calls and tells me, that if I cant forget the past and forgive him. He cant be with me....
I was honest with him, and told him "Im not there" and dont know if I will ever be.
He tells me I need to pray for serenity and hangs up the phone.
It's like he has no remorse or understanding of the pain that he has caused.
I swear he has major dead brain cells...
I have tried for 2 years to forgive him, but it just doesnt go away. I
constantly bring it up to him. I dont know if its because he is in denial of
his actions and his alcoholism or am I in denial of my daughters own choices.
Deep down, there is so much sadness, losing my daughter.
"If I could turn back time" always goes thru my head.
Over the years, his alcoholic behaviors has caused so much pain, let alone the embrassment living in a small community.
How do you forgive and forget when you have lost your children, let alone losing your own mind at times?
So many questions run thru my mind, of forgiving...let alone forgetting.UGGGG
When I hear the alanon stories with children involved and people ask for advice on what to do with their situations..I wanna scream.."RUN, SAVE YOUR CHILDREN"....