inahaze

One of my first posts when I started coming here I asked if verbally abusive alcoholic partners ever change. I was still under the presumption that the alcohol MADE him act a fool and be mean towards my kids and myself.

Now, I think that at least my AH was a jerk before the drink and I was just wearing rose colored glasses and never saw it. Looking back, there were signs that something wasn't right, but I was so in love that I just didn't want to look. For him, the alcohol intensified his aggression. It made him run off at the mouth easier and made a wonderful excuse for him the next morning. I sooooo wanted the alcohol to be the reason as I did NOT want to think that the man I married and gave my entire heart could be that cruel. Unfortunately, I was wrong and it's taken a very long time for me to override that thinking.

At this point, I'm hypersensitive to everything he says or does. Just this week he sat me down and told me that if I could just love him for the man he is today and let the past go we could be fine. (Keep in mind that this past Saturday he was gone until 5am, totally MIA.) I see an alterior motive in most of his actions and I feel that he's condenscending much of the time.

We're a far cry from a healthy relationship, he's still a jerk even though he tells me he's not drinking (I don't buy it), I'm still hypervigilant, I still hide things from him to protect myself and we still don't do ANYTHING together. I think the hardest thing for me is that he isn't bad all the time and I've always held onto these tiny threads with the hope that it would support us.

Letting go is very, very hard and if anyone ever said otherwise I'd not believe them. I'm just thankful that I realize for my kids and myself that this isn't working. I get it that the alcohol isn't the main problem, just something I could put my finger on.