Buffalo, thanks for the link to the essay. The following really spoke to me: The self-destructive attitudes and behavior of the dry drunk alcoholic are different in degree but not in kind. The alcoholic, when drinking, has learned to rely on a deeply inadequate, radically immature approach to solving life's problems. And this is exactly what one sees in the dry drunk.
I also liked this: Those undergoing a dry drunk lead impoverished lives. They experience severe limitations to grow, to mature, and benefit from the possibilities that life offers. They lack the freshness and spontaneity that genuinely sober alcoholics manifest. Their life is a closed system; attitudes and behaviors are stereotyped, repetitive, and consequently predictable.
You said it though, it has to be him - nothing I do or say will change a thing. He's gonna do what he wants to do and he's not gonna do what he doesn't want to do. I'm just so grateful I'm now in a position where I can watch from a safer distance.
It helped me SO MUCH to type out my thoughts earlier today; it's also strengthened my resolve to continue to be very careful as we move forward.
Thank you also, fourmaggie. I've heard of the ISMs but I had forgotten what it meant. It's very applicable to our situation.