This is hard.
REMAIN with HIM
*He is truly hilarious, and finds humor in everything. Even when he is beat down. His wit is outrageously contagious, to the point of derailing my very real anger at key points.
* I have never been more physically attracted to a man.
* He is charming and when not trying to manipulate can make me feel like I am the only person alive.
* He says he wants to be a good father, and he is working hard to provide a future for our son, even if I wont benefit now, financially.
*I am in awe of his creative talent and ease, even though he has never been able to do anything with it.
*We have an intense sexual connection, and I fear never finding that again, and I abhor the thought of dating, and having to test the waters to find a good match again.
*We laughed a lot, at times.
*I feel safer in a primitive way when there is a man in the house.
*He knows me, acknowledges that I am smart.
* He finds me attractive, even tho I am ten years his senior.
NOT good for ME
*MOst of the good stuff listed above is a manipulation, or cannot be maintained for any significant amount of time.
*I feel nauseous when the phone rings his ringtone.
*he is paranoid, and exhibits predatory and disordered thinking.
*He is emotionally neglectful of our child.
*He blames and scapegoats me for really everything
*His family is a clan of highly narcissistic people, who may be harmful to my childs development in reinforced, large doses.
* he has physically bullied and attacked me i anger while intoxicated.
*The infidelities of the past are appearing to be an insurmountable obstacle for me to overcome, which kind of make all that happy sex energy go sour.
* Being with him requires that I play along in sick dynamics that I had partially healed and left behind prior to getting involved with him.
* he makes me doubt my competency, is competitive instead of supportive,
* he is frighteningly jealous and controlling since sober.
* He denies the negative aspects of his behavior and chooses, instead to project them onto me, which is just too much bulls*it to swinm through anymore. and my arms are freaking tired.