(((Sweetie)))
I understand exactly. My H & I have been married for almost 20 years. Last year, after a particularly horrible weekend, I was so pissed off that I kicked him out - the only time I've ever done that. After three days, I called HIM and tried to work it out.
I let him come back with a long list of conditions. He moved back in and, of course, none of the conditions were ever met. I felt like a total loser. I couldn't believe how weak and spineless I was. That's when I found recovery. I had hit MY bottom.
The only way that I know to get off of the roller coaster is to work my program. I jumped in with blind faith and I'm getting better every day. For me, it has nothing to do with him or what he is doing or not doing. It is all about me. Seeing what is really happening without making excuses to myself, finding the ability to decide what I want and what I don't want and learning to feel perfectly justified in making those choices without guilt. It takes time but is so worth it.
I love my H and always will. The choices he is making are not compatible with what I want in my life. My life is just as important as his. I can love him without living with him.
I know it won't be easy to ask him to leave but I now know this. It has to be done, I have to do it and I will. Life can be tough and so can I.
Hang in there hon and let us know how it's going.
L