Well, I realized right away that he was dangerous to me. Maybe dangerous isn't the right word... obsessive? weird? concerned with arbitrary things? It was a weird time because it was during a lot of upheaval. But as soon as he "won" me he lost interest in me and only noticed me in the house if I threw a complete fit or if we had company. My NPD also had a lot of paranoia issues that played out in weird ways, like video taping his car every night? He was obsessed with his car because it was an extension of ego, still is. It's weird. I'm going to say weird a lot. He was great with our son when he was little though (small children are excellent narcissist supply) so I always said, as long as he's good to DS I should let it go, do what's best for DS, etc etc. We were together about a year and that time with him completely crushed my self-esteem. It was like I was invisible. The evil of living with NPDs is that you're always mind-f***ed, over and over until you can't trust yourself anymore.
I don't know, I was naive. We had an epic custody battle where he accused me of the craziest things, none of which were true. We had to present a guardian ad litem with character witnesses and I brought out every friend and family member I had, college transcripts (I was a great student), letters from employers, teachers, landlords, I would have brought the kitchen sink if they asked me. He accused me of everything he could think of but forgot to build up his own case, so all he showed up with was an unemployment check and an ex-roommate. Whoops! That was my fault too, of course, and he's never forgiven me for it, and continues to try to guess what crazy lies I told them that would keep him from winning custody.
The picture got clear when a few things happened. I got married and his animosity towards me increased tenfold (injury). He got married and the wife and I were friendly and he squashed her like a bug (injury, betrayal). They had a new baby -- and remember that small children are great supply -- and he began to treat our son like he once treated me, he only notices DS if he throws a fit or if they have company. My son said he feels "invisible" at his dad's. I started to do some research and got us into family therapy with some maneuvering. The therapist told him that some of the rules at his house were exploitative and abusive towards the children and he Flipped. Out. It was, as always, my fault. The next time I saw the therapist, she said she didn't have enough time with him to make a real diagnosis, but if someone put a gun to her head, NPD it was.
This was about a year ago. It has been 12 years since we split and he is as hateful towards me as he was then (which is a great indicator). I have my son in some counseling to mitigate the damage his dad has done, and the damage I did when I tried to manage it by ignoring it, and we talk about it relatively openly (without using psych terms) when things go wrong during his visitation time. Now that I think about it, I tell DS that he didn't cause it and can't cure it, so maybe I have more A-A in me than I thought!
I could keep going with the stories forever, I tell you. They're nuts, they're halfway hilarious, and they never end. It would be funny if it weren't soul-crushing to the people around him. I haven't even told you about the time he got a job with me and the incompetent a**es in HR let him keep it!