wanttobehealthy

Got an idea from a woman at al anon last night and seeing what I did in black and white in front of me is both shocking and not shocking. What it definitely is is heart breaking and there's no doubt what I need to do...

I just started this list and spent maybe 5 min on it-- I could and will add to it for my own therapeutic purpose but here's what I have so far... It's just sad- really sad.

Reasons I love AH and want to stay married:
- the pizza he makes
- having someone to help pick up/drop off the girls
- our history together: there’s a lot of it and it seems like a waste or a shame to throw it all out and have to start over making new memories with someone else
- my engagement ring and wanting to wear it again (I took it off and gave it to him a few months ago and told him I needed to have him BE a husband to me before I could wear it again-- and I really don't think that will ever happen)
- fear of being alone forever, fear of never feeling the same for someone else that I've felt for him, fear of what it is like to be with someone else after having been married and wondering how you stop comparing them, fear that no one else would ever want me...
- sadness about the good memories I have, the experiences, the places and the desire to repeat/recreate those and make things be what they were back then (name of vacation place where we fell in love, first apt i had hen we first met, restaurants/pubs we spent time at talking and falling in love-- didn't know he was an alcoholic at all back then, east coast honeymoon city we went to, movies we saw on early dates, job we worked at where we met, and more that are too specific to list and would not keep me anonymous...)
- Financial stability
- Don’t want to give up on the dream of what I thought we’d have

Reasons I love AH but staying married isn’t healthy for me
- he doesn’t compliment me- even when I try to look good for him he pays me no attention. colleagues compliment me and tell me I am very attractive but I don't buy it bc the ONE person I want to find me attractive NEVER says so...
- I don’t feel love from him
- I don’t feel he likes me, let alone loves me
- Don’t believe he will ever be honest- completely honest- with me
- Can’t talk about anything anymore without an argument
- I feel like we are adversaries instead of a team
- Resent his family and how he enables them to come between us
- Frustration with characteristics that I should not judge but which he has and upset me: lack of initiative, evasiveness, unreliability, dishonesty, don’t feel he can take charge and protect me if needed.
- Don’t trust him not to hurt me emotionally
- Only time we “bond” is making pizza and during that time when I am exposing my vulnerabilties and sharing DEEPLY personal details and doing so, in hopes that it wll help him be comfortable letting down the walls he’s put around himself
- Anger about the number of things he’s lied about over all the years—things I have no clue about still and probably don’t want to know…
- Not sure I love him the way I once did.... I don't know anymore.