This is an interesting thread, and just what I needed to read today.
I've been really pondering this as well, reading lots of good literature about healthy relationships, talking to my sponsor, going to meetings (4-5 a week) and working the program by connecting with friends, etc. I've also started dating again and wow, has that opened up a whole lot.
I've made my list of "Must have" qualities in a mate, "maybe" and "NO"...and realized that each of my previous relationships landed solidly in the "NO" category. Interesting! By looking at what I've written I can see how I'm focussing on not making the same mistakes. I'm getting there.
Sometimes it's really hard to not slip back into the crazy-ness that feels "normal" on some level, but now I can say that I feel the crazies coming on and am learning to "do nothing" at those moments--I have promised myself that I will only contact my sponsor and well-established program friends when I feel that way. No more regrets after placing phone calls or texts (or e-mails) that I wish I hadn't sent along.
I've learned that it's okay to be imperfect, and in fact, wonderful to have so many facets to myself. I've been working on total forgiveness of each person in my life who has hurt me and to forgive myself for my experience of that pain, for holding onto it and letting it be a reason for me to continue to choose unavailable people, because that's how I learned to define "love".
I'm falling in love with myself. Yay! And knowing that I am precious and special and deserving of love is all that I need. So as I date, and feel that old part of me pulling me toward self-abandonment, I remember: when I leave this Earth, the only relationships I will leave with is the one with myself and my HP. No one else is more important than that.
So for me the qualities of a healthy relationship are the ones that I would be willing to extend and maintain with, and for, myself. And for me that begins with absolute self-honesty, integrity, willingness, openness, spirituality and healthy ways of coping with difficult feelings. If I know those feelings inside of myself, I believe that I will be more able to see and experience them with another like-minded and like-hearted person.
Thank you for this thread. I'm still reading, working to stay on top of my tendencies to slip back into the painful familiar. By reading your words I have a chance to check in with myself, especially with that inner 12 year old who still isn't quite sure of herself. So I'd like to hear lots more thoughts on adding to this list...
Big, big hugs,
posie