Thread: Tired
View Single Post
Old 03-23-2011, 08:17 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
wanttobehealthy
Member
 
wanttobehealthy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
MCE. I just wanted to write and tell you that your email, your wife's reaction or non reaction to it, your having to ask her several times about whether she read it (and I bet every cent I own that she quite intentionally made you all but beg her to reply about the email), her attitude that came through loud and clear in what you shared that she texted you, well, all of it is frighteningly similar.

I feel like if we switch the words H and W you would have my story and I yours. The rehab issue is one I went through with my H in Jan. I did NOT trust my gut that told me just like yours did that he was not REALLY serious and that the rehab promise was just a way to delay having to make a decision about his life and the direction he was headed in. On the day he was to go he assaulted me, never went to rehab, has been doing "recovery" his own way since and I have left him.

I decided that I did not need to get hit over the head with a 2x4 anymore-- I got the message-- finally.

In your writing I see so much of myself... you don't know, just as I don't know, what it would even take at this point to believe your W is serious about recovery... but you do know that your gut tells you she isn't there. Living with an A has taught me a lot-- one thing particularly is that living with an A has made me question my instincts and not trust my gut when every part of me is screaming "trust yourself". Instead, I look to my AH, who I KNOW is a liar, to tell me what I WANT to hear and I trust what he says instead of myself and all that happens is I wind up like the turtle each time in your turtle and scorpion story.... I think you do too.

Living with your A wife has made you question your gut too. But think about this... how many times, when you've had a gut feeling about something being amiss with your W have you been wrong? When I started asking myself that I couldn't lie to myself anymore... My gut is 99% of the time dead on accurate... And because of that I get caught up in long letters to my H trying to convince him to take sobriety seriously, trying to impress upon him that I don't want perfection from him (just like you wrote-- it's amazing how we say the same things to our A spouses... ) etc... and my hope is that it will register in the way it would if I were receiving that kind of letter. But it never does. Instead of trusting myself and acting in a way that looks out for me, I try to help and save and plead with and educate and convince my H that I just want simple things like sobriety and honesty (guess they are not simple things to an A though). My H promises things will be different, I have the same gut feeling it's not going to happen but I trust his words bc I want to believe this time will be different and it never is.

I don't mean to put my issues on you but in reading the email to your wife, and her response and your talking about your gut, I just felt compelled like I have not yet felt on here until now, to say to you just how much I see of myself in what you've said and oddly enough, seeing it written by someone else makes a lot of things jump out at me that are concerning that I haven't seen in myself until now.

My 2 cents is that spending your hard earned $ on rehab is not going to be the solution you are looking for... In a way I am glad my H assaulted me and did not go to rehab bc it would have been a waste of $-- he was not and is not ready to take that leap and no rehab center or meeting or counselor is going to get through to him until he's there in his own mind and ready to accept help.

If your gut tells you your wife is not there yet either-- trust your gut. Really.
wanttobehealthy is offline