I agree w hydro girl about the "I feel" statements as opossed to "you did this "...But, overall,
I feel that it will be very helpful for him to know this stuff, and that it is a good time to say these things.
You seem like you are in touch with your anger, and your self preservation is intact.
I was NOT in that position. I can tell you, I SHOULD have said and felt that way. I did not. I was on a pink cloudof my own, when he decided to get treatment, and I melted at his humility in going to rehab, it seemed like such a hard, big step for him.
When we visited him (his mom and I), he laid on the promises thick. I melted again. It was while he was in rehab that my pink cloud impaired my vision.
I agreed, then and there to let him come home to us. I thought it would be a reward for his taking steps towrd his health and healing our relationship, his relationship with our son.
I can tell you now, in hindsight, it only served to ease his discomfort, and allowed him to complete the program, but the ease also allowed him to come home, and slack, then slack, then go back to old behaviors.
I had not required him to EARN anything back. I guess, secretly, and in my sickness, I was probably afraid that he would call my bluff, and just go somewhere else.
It was a hard lesson, learned the hard way.
The outcome was 4 more months of worse treatment, because his sobriety and his "struggle" sanctioned his behavior in his mind.
I tricked myself, because in truth, I was strong enough at that time to accept if he had chosen to move on if he did not like my terms, my boundaries. ...I tricked myself into thinking I was doing him a favor.
I wish I could go back, know that I meant what I meant, and told him that he would need to complete treatment for the other issues before even considering his return to the family home.
He now lives in an apartment, but my son is the one who has really been struggling with the confusion of ,"oh, daddy is doing better...Oh, daddy is not that well, yet, Oh, daddy doesnt come home, oh, daddy lives somewhere else now...."
I back you up and support you in making your boundaries, here.