thank you all so much for your responses... i feel somewhat different to when i first posted my question/plea for help. i know that all of you have lived what i am going through and want to spare me the agony that you have gone through. i don't want this to be the rest of my life. i have made a decision.
we had another big talk last night and i laid it all out for him. that i WOULD leave if things didn't change. i told him it was up to him, but if things didn't improve then he would have to just deal with the consequences. and i actually mean it! i CANNOT stand by and watch the man i love kill himself.
something i should add: i wrote in one of my postings, that he was blackout drunk 1-4 times a week, i actually meant to write 1-4 times a MONTH. i know that it is slightly inconsequential, especially since he got really drunk twice this week, but i just wanted to point out that it's not as much as i wrote.
when we first met, he was drinking one bottle of whiskey a day plus beer and would pass out drunk about 4-5 times a week. and YES i do wonder what the hell i was thinking?? it started out as a fun, party relationship but turned into something much more. but anyway.. i confronted him back then, several months into the relationship and said that i couldn't take this lifestyle anymore, and that i was going to an Al Anon meeting to cope with things and he IMMEDIATELY stopped drinking whiskey- he actually told me recently that it was the fact that i had been driven to attend an Al Anon meeting that prompted him to do something- (and has never touched it since). this brought his stumbling drunk nights to between 1-4 times a month, instead of many times a week. i'm NOT trying to excuse his behavior.. because if i was happy with the way things are right now i wouldn't be here on this site right now asking for advice. the situation is unacceptable and i realize that i DO deserve far better and that this situation is very serious.
he has said to me several times before that when he is ready to cut down his drinking he would, but that he enjoyed getting really drunk, he loves the taste of beer, that it's his personality. when i have asked him to before he would said that he was just having fun and he didn't want to stop. anyway, i told him last night that i had spoken to my friend about moving in with her and if things didn't get better i WOULD move out. i feel that this is a positive step for me, and i am feeling good about making this decision for myself.
he seems to have taken me very seriously and says that he WANTS to do this, that he wants to cut down his drinking, that he CAN control it and that he will NOT get stumbling, blackout drunk any more......now this is a 'see what happens' situation. the ONLY reason i am allowing him to try this- to cut down and not STOP- is because i don't know for sure whether he is an alcoholic or whether he has a problem with drink that he can control on his own, and because he has never offered to try to cut down before, he would just say he didn't want to... (apparently there is a difference, and problem drinkers can cut down but alcoholics can't) so if he is unable to do it, i will know for SURE. i told him that he has ONE chance. and one chance ONLY. if he f's up, i will leave. i said that i was trusting him to do this.
so... i am going to see what happens. if he screws it up then i will know for sure that he is an alcoholic and there really is nothing i can do for him. but at least i have made up my mind that if things go back to the way they were, i will leave. and that's better than being in this limbo.
so i will continue to visit the site and hopefully my knowledge about this situation will grow. thank you all again SO much!