That's the thing...
...in a marriage with an alcoholic you are alone-- more alone than if you were alone. My entire marriage, until 8 months ago, was the loneliest 10 years of my life.
Also, and I've noticed this over and over again, you are right that it isn't a marriage at all. It seems to me that more often that not, the alcoholic is looking for a parent, and the codie is looking for an adult they can parent or fix. Usually, I think, a dude looking for a mommy, and some pseudo-Cinderella looking for prince charming (or a man she can make into prince charming).
It can be the other way around, too. I was looking for a woman that would cook, clean, sew, and generally take care of me while I brought home the bacon. Even better, I was going to "save" her from the imperfect life she had before me, Prince Charming, came along to slay her dragons.
She was looking for a relatively stable dude she could mold into her perfect man. We both failed at this, and would have even if I weren't a codie controller, and even if she wasn't an alcoholic codie controller. Why? Because I'm a grown-ass flawed and real man and she's a grown-ass flawed and real woman.
I won't be controlled. Neither will she. It didn't stop either of us from trying for 13 ****ing years!!! We were a match made in heaven.
Good God.
Take what you want and leave the rest,
Cyranoak