This was originally going to be a response to GreenAces thread, but I felt like it became less about relating to him and more about telling my own story... So here's a separate thread.
I am on my third serious go. I had about 7 months my second time when I started questioning the reasons I quit. I thought they were crap reasons, and to be honest they were. Still, it really wasn't worth taking up alcohol again. This time I think I have a better set of reasons which will last.
1st go: Drinking is making me stupid and I want to be as strong as possible to succeed as an artist. Also I will impress a girl with my mental fortitude. [lasts 3-4 months]
2nd go: I don't want to lie to a specific person about my drinking anymore. I am worried about my liver and general health. It is not possible to continue drinking as frequently as I do and still be healthy in 5-10 years. [lasts 7 months]
3rd go: I hate myself when I drink. It makes me sick, it's emotionally draining, and it doesn't do anything good for me. [ashamed to say it's only been a week, especially given that I still gave advice occasionally on SR when I was not doing well myself]
Writing it out and looking at it analytically, I guess my reasons really didn't change that much at all. I've just started taking career goals and other people out of the equation... Meaning if I am discouraged about my career or people, I don't give myself an excuse to go back to drinking.
This is where I decided to make this a new thread. Is it enough to be its own thread? It's still halfway between a response and its own topic.
I guess I feel like enough users on SR recognise my ID to deserve to know what my situation actually is. The lying thread reminded me of that so this is my atonement. I am sorry to any SR goers who thought I was doing really well, because the truth is I'm really not
I try to post positive things on this forum to encourage people in their own struggles, but I should really fix myself first before I start trying to mess with other people. I hope no one feels like I have been fooling them with a false image of success thru sheer mental-constitution. That is my method of choice, but obviously it's a work in progress. I think I've grown a lot as a person and that these attempts were necessary for a solid recovery.
If I continue from here I will say lots of unnecessary things. I don't want to offend people who swear by AA. I don't want to try to preemptively respond to things people might say. I am a recluse of the worst kind and I feel quickly depressed when I am around others, even people I like. I can put up a show for a little bit, but the truth is that immediately after the interaction is over I am awash with miserable feelings about the encounter. That is a truth about myself which many friends would probably be offended to hear... I try to be self-reliant, and I am going to be consistent with that in my recovery. I don't think I've ever met anyone I could depend on, possibly because people don't think I'm worth it, and so I don't want to stake my recovery on outside sources when such things fail so consistently in my life. (sorry for the last minute pity party)
Ok, that's all... Now you all know a little more about me.