emp919

It's about the house of cards. I never realized how much my AH depended upon not just my silence and "discretion" but my going out of my way to lift him up to others -- friends, family, neighbors -- to give everyone exactly the opposite impression of our reality. I played my role beautifully, and it worked so well for him. Too well. I have contributed to the perfect storm. I completed the charade, I kept it in full-swing. It took a night of desperation, following a disastrous joint therapy session, when he dropped me off at home in a contemptuous huff, and I walked right inside with tears in my eyes and told my neighbor of ten years (who watched our kids while we were at therapy) the TRUTH. AH is an alcoholic / addict and right now, he is not in recovery. Things are a mess.

For the first time in the ten years we'd lived here I told one person in our neighborhood the truth. Of course she had no idea. Was instantly understanding and compassionate. It was a big relief to me.

While very active in his addictions, AH accuses me of "defaming" him if I reach out to a sibling (who already knows he is an A) and tell her I'm feeling scared because AH won't pick up his phone, what if he o.d.ed? Etc. He uses words like "defamation" and "character assassination". I am not supposed to confide in anyone (and believe me, as an ACOA, I'm already a very good secret-keeper and not easily inclined to confide/trust/let the cat out of the bag); not even allowed to talk to my own family who already knows he is an A; and we have A's in our own family as well so its no secret. He scowls at me that this is built on anonymity. What is, the program... or the addiction?

Thanks for sharing; you aren't alone and you remind others that they are not alone as well.

~emp919