This *despite* me telling her on the telephone to take a taxi cab home and texting her the same.
Gosh, I have soooo been there. Texting and calling and pleading that he exercise common sense and being told "yes, good idea" and then, well you know the rest...
I'm so angry right now that I can barely speak to her. There's a good chance she'll lose her driver's license for 1 year. If she does, she *might* be eligible for a restricted driver's license after 90-days - but that's just to/from work. Her inability to drive is a problem for two reasons: (1) I just started my own business and, while I have some clients/work, it's been an adjustment income-wise. Her job - being salaried and steady - is where we have health care, etc. (2) We have a grade school aged child who is in several after school activities.
It is so unfair that bc of her issues you and your child are going to be harmed... It sucks. I'm so sorry.
My anger, I think, is over HER actions placing us, our child, and me in such a perilous situation. She knew the risks; she'd gotten away with driving drunk so many times; and we'd been over and over the consequences. Yet, no change in he
r.
It's as if no number of consequences matter. Makes no difference. There's no "learning" from the past-- just the same old same old over and over...
I'm tired of lying for her - or lying to our friends about the situation.
Been there too...
They, of course, needed an explanation. So I gave it to them straight: AW had been arrested for DWI.
After my H was arrested for assaulting me early this winter I finally told the truth to a friend who happened to come by a few hrs after the police left and I was a clear mess... and just like your W, guess who was mad at me for "airing the dirty laundry"?! Yes, clearly I am to blame, just like you are, for telling the truth about their insane, awful, unconscionable behavior. Makes loads of sense... And yet even though I know how crazy it is for him to be mad at me, it still HURT A LOT that he was angry at me and I still defended myself and felt guilty for telling the truth.
Now, AW is *mad* at me for "telling them her business." According to her, I should have left our child sleeping in bed, all alone at home. Sorry, no sale. I'm ok leaving our child alone for an hour during the day - she's old enough for that - but for me to simply disappear from the house unexplained at night - no way. That's messed up. And that's how messed up HER thinking is.
I'm so sorry...
I think rationally she knows I did the correct thing. But, she's mad at HERSELF for this mess . . . and takes it out inappropriately on others. Misdirected anger.
Can't be mad at herself bc then she might have to consider doing something different. If she directs that anger at others than she can continue to tell herself that she's doing nothing wrong.... At least that seems to be the standard operating thought process around here with my H.
Tired of the self-pitying from her. The "I should leave her." "She can't get better." blah, blah, blah.
I used to buy the "Im so sorry" or "Im scum" and then try to make my H feel better about himself. Since I stopped doing that I've gotten a lot of nasty verbal abuse and been told how unloving and uncaring I am. Yeah, I'm uncaring bc I am tired of listening to the woe is me lying from someone who hasn't put their money where their mouth is for the past 8 yrs... But again, it still hurts to be told how uncaring we are after we've done nothing but try to be loving and caring for years all to no avail.
I've been divorced once already (non-A W; different issues entirely).
Don't really want to be divorced again. What I want . . . what I tell her I want . . . is a HEALTHY spouse.
I said this very quote today-- H asked me what it was I wanted from him and I told him I want a healthy spouse... Didn't go well...
Not sure why I'm choosing to write today. Not even sure I'm looking for a response. I think I just need to vent a bit. . . and to know that there ARE others out there going through all of this.
There are, sadly, too many of us who know just what you're going through... And too many young kids like your child who are going through it too. It's so sad... And the only person with any ability to change it is the A and it seems that most of the time they don't want to...
I've asked her time and time again to go to individual therapy to deal with *her* issues which, I think, contribute to her alcoholism. Her insecurities, her issues with her parents, etc. But, it never happened.
This is me to a t--- the issues my H talks about from growing up clearly impact him now and he even started seeing a T but now all he talks about getting out of T is using it to identify the ways in which I am abusive toward him. Right.
It's an enormous task, but - as I tell her - one does not climb Mt. Everest in a single step, in a single day. It's done in many steps over the course of much time.
I say the same thing-- just pick one little thing to do tomorrow--- one tiny thing... one step however small.. but my H just wants to talk in vague terms and say things like "I want to recover and I'm working toward it" but of course actions on his part don't demonstrate this at all... I guess he thinks if he talks about it enough somehow it'll just happen magically?!
But, I recognize that I'm near the end of MY rope. Or so it feels today. A drowning life guard does nobody any good.
I'm right there with you...
You can lead a horse to water. You can be enormously patient while it ignores the water and eats loco weed. You can point out the benefits of water and the hazards of loco weed. But, you cannot make the horse drink the water. I can't speak for anyone else, but, at some point, I just get just plain tired and my patience wears out with the horse.
That's where I am at and now that I am out of patience and forgiveness and willingness to listen to words and ignore actions, all I am hearing is how evil I am... It sucks.
She's a lovely person (sober), good at her job, and good mother (sober). That's what makes it both tough . . . and a shame.
I used to say this about my H too-- but he has been sober more than he's been drinking for the past 3-4 months and one of the saddest things I have realized is that he actually is NOT a good father, husband or pleasant person to be around sober... Not one bit.
I'm sorry you're going through all this...