I don't have a spouse who is in the same kind of shape as your W, but what I can relate to is the covering up, not talking to others and fearing leaving bc I felt I was too old to start over and feeling like being alone might be worse than staying...
After my H was arrested for assaulting me, I had a fortuitous run in with a family friend and fell apart and told the secret and since then things have "fallen into place" (not smoothly or comfortably but the dominoes have continued to fall and it's like there's no turning back now).
And I guess what I've realized is that living my life trying to manage/protect/save my H from himself and hoping that the next day will be better than the current one is NO WAY TO LIVE. I've been surviving-- not living.
I'm 39 and felt that I was too old to start over... I've worried about what financial shape I'll be in as a single mother, I've worried about pragmatics... I've worried about all these things for a long time and stayed stagnant.
And finally I don't care what the outcome is for me financially or whether I will ever be with someone again-- I finally realize that being with my H as I am is not living and that whatever the unknown is, has got to be better than this.
I feel for you and it sounds to me like your life is really all about worrying about, checking up on, taking care of etc... your W. What are you getting out of the marriage at this point? I don't mean this snarkily at all-- maybe you are getting something good from it and if so, I envy you.
I just realized that when I asked myself that question (after having many others ask me it first) that I had nothing to say-- I like the way he makes homemade pizza--- that is all I could come up with. Not a reason to stay. Though I will miss the pizza!
