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Old 03-20-2011, 04:39 PM
  # 44 (permalink)  
dbh
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 456
I'm mostly a lurker also. Something about your post compelled me to post.

I'm an ACA. The alcoholic in my life was my father.

My mother and father were married for 16 years. My mother had doubts before her wedding, but she went through with it anyway. She used to tell me that she knew she made a big mistake on their honeymoon. He spent the first night of their honeymoon down in the bar while she cried in their room. That pretty much set the stage for the life that they had together.

They had three children. Do you know where he was each time one of us was born? Yup, in a bar "celebrating".

While I was growing up he was never around. When he was around he was often violent. He used to drive us kids around when he was drunk. When I got old enough to realize how drunk he was it scared me to death. I used to try to make my body as limp as possible because I read somewhere that people who are sleeping often get less hurt in car crashes. I was probably in 6th grade when I started doing that.

When my parents divorced, over thirty years ago, I thought it would be all over and our lives would get better. They didn't. Alcoholism is truly a family disease.

My mother remarried, but is still so angry at my father that it ate away at her for the rest of her life. My dad died in August and after his death she still wanted to talk about all the awful things he did to her. A lifetime of hearing about how awful my father was deeply affected me, it made me feel like I must be at least half awful. I've been in therapy for 10+ years and recovery for 3+ years.

My siblings and I are all in our 40s and have struggled with relationships, self-esteem, interacting with each other, keeping jobs, and in general just being happy. We tend to create a lot of chaos and drama in our lives.

We really don't keep in touch too much and it's always hardiest during the holidays. I long for and still grieve for the extended family that I'll never have.

Somehow I managed not to marry an alcoholic. Although I have a long list of boyfriends that I tried to save during my life. I did marry another adult child and we struggle at times trying to communicate with each other and avoid the minefield of triggers we both have. We're both people pleasers who hate criticism.

I cherish my little nuclear family though. My child are 8 and 11. I live with a fear that one of them will struggle with an addiction someday. I'm working my own recovery so that I can be the healthiest parent that I can for them, but I know that life has no guarantees.

Keep reading and posting.

Thank you for letting me share.

db
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