Great big thank yous to everyone who responded, or who has posted similar information on this site. I've been reading and re-reading and I have to say I feel freer, and happier, than I have in ..maybe years. I have a marriage counseling appt on Thursday that I am building up my courage for, because I am going to tell him that marriage counseling is not the solution. I believe I am done with this marriage. I have been holding on for the kids, and out of sheer denial that he could really avoid facing the real issue and waste our marriage. I thought I was making it clear that we would face the alcoholism together and rebuild our marriage.
Instead, on Friday night, I told him I wanted him to talk to me about the alcohol. Tell me if he had acknowledged to himself about the alcoholism. That he had chosen it over me many times, and I was worried that if he doesn't get treatment he will eventually choose it over his children too. When they get old enough to identify it, he will lay the blame at their feet the way he did at mine. He declined to have that conversation, and I think that and also the things I've read from you wonderful people, was the knot coming untied.
It is going to take a lot of courage to have this conversation. I want to have it in front of the counselor so he can't exit the way he does from the conversation. I think he saw a change in me by Saturday morning, and he is hovering, feeling me out. My skin is actually crawling at having him in the house. He seems like a stranger to me. I cannot even say I love him anymore, only that I care for the person who used to be someone I loved, and the person who is my children's father. They are so young now and they don't question him so he loves them so freely and is so involved with them, and I am grieving for the day they lose their father the way I lost my husband. God, that hurts.
But no tears. There were no tears when he told me he wouldn't be calling to talk about the alcohol. He didn't even repeat his claim that he's not drinking, I think he is letting me assume that he thinks I'm paranoid and this problem is mine. It doesn't matter as much, and I eagerly await the day I don't even think about what he's thinking.
I wanted to tell you that my daughter wrote a note to him today. She's 7. The note says "Dear Daddy, Mommy miss you so much and want you to come home. Please do the right thing." That caused some tears, but on her behalf.
I feel like I have my walking boots on the right feet this time, and I just need to navigate through the door. I hope I don't make any mistakes, like I did by asking him to talk in the first place. What was I thinking??!
I do have a dilemma though. We have "together" times scheduled. Originally they were for the kids, and I do think the kids enjoy them. Mon night (a family tradition of spaghetti night together), and pretty much all day Sunday. For some reason this Saturday he chose to stick around all afternoon and late into the evening. What do I do about these times? He's not drinking during the time, but I feel miserable with him here like it's some sort of partial marriage. It's REALLY rough if we have had a talk recently about anything real, and you can cut the tension with a knife. I have to keep the equilibrium, you know, which was just like our marriage. But do I take those times away from our kids while they can still have them? This is a tough one for me. Anyone go through anything similar?