Hi HHH! I'm new here too and I hear you! Just wanted to give you a big cyber hug! I too just went to my first Alanon meeting and the structure was a bit cold for me too. However there were light bulb moments for me sitting there listening to others. I have been told to go to at least 6 meetings before you make up your mind about it. Also try different meetings as each have their own vibe.
I am only now starting to understand what living with an A has done to me. I need to find myself again and I feel very lost on where that person might be.
My AH also has told me a little here and there about how much he had been drinking behind my back, how much money he spent doing it and it too made me angry to hear about it. We also have 3 kids and trying to save up money for college is challenging so hearing about him flushing money down his mouth just ticks me off. I have so much resentment on this topic. The biggest for me is we had major infertility problems, caused in part by all of his drinking. Only I didn't know it because he was not truthful about how much he was drinking. I ended up putting my body and mind through so much all because of his lies. I think about the miscarriages, all the money, all the injections of dangerous medications and it all happened because he lied to me to the doctors. (I guess that is my vent for the day).
He has no business talking to you the way he has. Stay strong, tell him what you think and then detach and walk away. You know you are doing your best and you too need time to heal. Meanwhile come here, we will listen and completely understand what you are going through.