emp919

Thanks for these replies. I do practice prayer and self-soothing throughout the day, but I need to really stay on top of that when he turns it up a notch.

I think it is understandable to feel worried about someone you've cared about for a long time. I think a lot of my fear-thinking comes from real "unthinkable" stuff, like so many others on this forum; the sort of things that you would never in a million years have conjured up in your head as a possible scenario playing out in front of your eyes. When the "unthinkable" happens time and again, it can leave a person a little skittish, though perhaps that response is in part attributable to the illusion of control and the false sense of security when you think you are controlling something outside yourself. Or maybe it is just a natural conditioning response. I don't know. Still working a lot of things out in my head.

Also thank you for the reminder that it is all his deal, there is nothing I can do or not do that will change what is not mine to change to begin with. As with the expression, "bad news will find you in the jungle" (i.e. you don't need to go hunting it down), I guess I need to just learn to let go and allow, and remember that I cannot determine the outcome for anyone's life but my own, as much as I would yearn to secure something good for someone I care about. Turns out he was calling in the night because he was livid; sent me a text message that was intimidating, said the police "know all the details now", as though he told them something derogatory.

I sent him a text that was calm and detached and very brief, which was a big accomplishment for me, relatively speaking. Then I got lost in a parking lot, trying to find my way back onto the street! His intimidation is really disconcerting to me.

Thanks again for those who posted. I'm focusing on staying clear and calm today.

~emp919