headheldhigh

After 6 years of living with my husband as an active alcoholic/substance abuser he has finally accepted and admitted he has a problem and has sought treatment.

I had thought that this would be a great time for me. That I would be relieved and hopeful. That I would be excited for the prospect of a 'whole' husband and a new beginning. I was never so wrong.

The years of lying, deceit, isolation & emotional abuse has left me a shell of my former self. I guess it took until the war was over to for me to actually see the collateral damage and casualties.

My husband is seeing a therapist weekly. He goes to AA at least 2x a week. He's on suboxone for this painkiller addiction and antabus for his alcohol abuse. While I find some comfort in the fact with these medicines he can't use, I also am afraid that they are just a crutch. If he doesn't deal with his demons we'll just end up back where we were. But that is just a fraction of my concern.

Part of his healing process has been coming clean about the lies. It was so much worse then I imagined. While I wasn't in denial and knew to an extent what was going on, I had no idea he was as bad and as sick as he actually is. I am scared I will not be able to move past it. I have so much anger and resentment. I basically was living with a stranger this whole time. My life as I knew it was all based on a lie. A facade.

Another reason I am so hurt is that he continually tells me he wants to put the past behind him yet is constantly calling me out for my shortcomings (lack of patience, house management skills, inconsistancy with the kids discipline.) All results of my years of basically being a single parent to 3 children, having to be a buffer between his obnoxious drunken self & the children and daily emotional abuse. I have begged him to ease up on me. Every time he criticizes me as a mother, wife and homemaker I am reminded that I am the way I am because of what he put me through. To defend myself I end up turning it around and telling him that if it wasn't for what he did to me, I wouldn't be this way. And how can he justify giving me a hard time for a messy house, being overly emotional or kids with a late bedtime when he stole, cheated & lied to me several times a day for years? How is that fair? If he could just ease up on me while I try to to move forward in my recovery we would get along a lot better. I am tired of his harsh judgments on my petty character faults when I endured years of much much worse from him.

I really need someone to talk to. Someone who has been where I am. I went to a therapist who in no uncertain terms told me to give up on him and move on. I haven't invested this much time, love & energy to our relationship - not to mention 3 children - just to leave while there is hope of his recovery. I went to an al-anon meeting, and walked away feeling like I was more saddened by my situation then when I arrived. The meeting was very structured and regimented - only letting you talk about their desinated topic. I needed to vent. I need to feel like I am validated. I need to feel heard.

I don't want to give up hope - but I am feeling very hopeless.