Even if someone had told me the truth about what life would be like with my XABF just one year in, I don't know that I would have believed them - and I don't know what I would have done. Probably gone right ahead.
Barb makes a great point - lots of folks post on here about how much pain they're in and then make it very clear what they do and don't want to hear in terms of feedback.
I rarely reply to those threads - because codependency is exactly like alcoholism. We beg and plead with our As to just stop. They don't. It might take a spell in jail, losing a job, losing liver function, losing a marriage or ending up on the streets before they hit bottom. They might never hit bottom - but nobody can make them address their addiction until they reach their own moment of truth.
So if it helps - at this point, you're in exactly the same place as your A. He is in denial about his addiction (just one, I can handle it, etc. etc.) But if you're already sleeping in a car and you're about to make a legal commitment despite all your misgivings - aren't you addicted, too? Addicted to the good times? Addicted to hoping for a positive outcome? Just plain old addicted to him?
Addiction is being unable to give up or stay away from something that has profound negative consequences on your life. Week after week people come on this section of Sober Recovery because they are unable to give up or stay away from people who are having profound negative consequences on their lives. We focus, focus, focus on how awful their addiction is and how it hurts us.
Recovery starts when you can take a clear eyed look at the fact you won't even entertain letting go of someone who is causing you enormous pain. It is absolutely ok to love him. I still loved my ex long after the relationship ended. But I finally got to a place where that wasn't what I wanted for my life and I'm relieved it's over.
I'm not going to try to convince you of anything, or tell you to leave him, or tell you to postpone the wedding. Because just like your fiancee, you need to reach your own bottom. If it's not sleeping in a car so he doesn't drive, I don't know what it's going to be - but you'll know when you get there - that's for sure. I did.
One final thought - if you're planning on having kids with this man please take the word of this adult child of an alcoholic: you will be doing your kids a grave disservice. I loved my alcoholic parent with all my heart. But some of what I grew up with has been absolutely debilitating. I have scars that I'm still coming to terms with and that have profoundly affected the choices I've made. I can't change any of it but the only thing I know for sure is that it's not something i would ever, ever, ever be willing to put a child of mine through. Not if I had gone in with my eyes wide open enough to be posting on a support group about my partner's addiction this close to the beginning.
Take what you like and leave the rest.
SL.