Its been tough. The shock is wearing off that my xab could actually do what he's done to me. Now that I'm not helping him anymore, he's just gone. after all we've been through. I'm floating in between utter hurt and ANGER. I pictured him dead this morning. I'm so angry that I was just being used...for months! ANd being told all these deep, and meaningful ,loving things. I have impulses to go by his house, call someone to get in touch with him. WHy would I want anything to do with this guy who obviously wont feel anything when I tell him how I feel? He cannot even begin to understand. I feel weak. I'm almost jealous of that fact that he gets to drink the pain away and I have to actually live life. Cant sleep at night and cant get out of bed in the morning. It's going to get better, I know it is, but every time I had a strong emotion in the past nine moths, I've used him to soothe it.By erupting on him, sleeping with him, denying what he's done, you know, the usual! I can't do that anymore and gosh does reality hurt.
I don't want to go to al anon because I don't want to stay with my AB. I just want to move on. I am involved in Celebrate Recovery, but my XAB was involved there too, and talked to girls there. He's ruined the one safe place I had.
Sorry if I'm ranting and complaining, I just don't know what else to do to keep me from running back to the person who hurt me.
