Hi, and welcome.
One of the things we can do, as partners to alcoholics, is awfulize. We think we know what the outcome of things will be, when maybe we do and maybe we don't. I wanted to address some of that in your post.
she'll never be 100% and will never be able to hold down any kind of professional job again.
Maybe. I don't know her, obviously. But I work with people with disabilities and have seen people will all sorts of serious disabilities hold down jobs. Just a thought.
I recently had to take the checkbook away from her and cut up a credit card that I had given her for emergencies.By taking responsibility for testing her and managing her finances, I feel like I'm probably enabling her or at least delaying her recovery.
You, undoubtedly DID need to take the checkbook away, if she was spending all your money. The standard advice would be to separate finances. It sounds like she can't handle her own finances. Meanwhile, yep. She can't take responsibility if she isn't given any to take.
Again, I don't know her and maybe she is now like a dependent child. Maybe she is not mentally and emotionally capable to take responsibility. But she's not YOUR child. She is someone else's child.
I told her I would leave her if she drank again, but she drinks, and I don't leave.
Ahh, honey. That is ALL OF OUR story. We feel you. Making sure if we say we will do something, to do it is our tough work. (or not saying it in the first place)
Sorry for the long message, but I have no one to talk to. Our families and friends have disappeared since this all came to light,
It feels like there isn't anyone to talk to, but the world is a big place. There are lots of people in it and ALWAYS there is someone to hear you. It may be SR right now. A pastor? A therapist? A new friend. Alanon.
Why do you think families and friends have disappeared?
and I can't talk to anyone at work because they will use it against me (it's a competitive place).
This is also a maybe for me. ANYONE? Not sure. It could be, but not likely (unless your worksite is only a handful of people).
I went to Al-Anon once, but that was a small room with a large group of very loud people having a party.
That was, I would guess, an anomaly. Try again or try a new group or try an online group. Alanon is a lifesaver and a whole collection of people that will understand and listen.
So, what do you think? Am I wasting time in not leaving her now? The only reasons I let her stay are the financial burden and the effect of a divorce on the children. We'd have to sell our house to pay the debts she's run up, plus I'll have to support her the rest of my life whether she lives with me or not.
tough, tough business. I feel for you. You're not wasting time. Take all the time you need. Meanwhile, staying married to someone for duties sake is pretty yucky. Especially since they are more like a child than a partner. I certainly don't know that this is a better situation for the kids! You'll read lots of children of alcoholic parents saying it wasn't great to grow up around their drinking and dysfunction.
And if I don't keep a roof over her head, ultimately our children will.
Your kids will make their choices as adults. I have a half sister that has some issues. They are of her own making. My mom and sister and I have decided if she needs a home later, we won't bear the responsibility. She has chosen not to pay into social security, not to save for the future and her luck will eventually run out. It will hurt us all. Her son says he will take her in, as long as she pays her own way. Eventually, she will get too old to work. In this case, even her mom will not bear her burdens for her. We all agree, as much as it hurts, it is not our job. I am not saying you should do it like us. I am just saying there is more than one way to deal with a situation like this.
What are her parents and family doing and thinking about all this?
She's OK most of the time. I feel like I should be grateful that things aren't worse, but I don't want to spend the rest of my life just getting by. She's not a good wife.
None of us want or deserve to just get by. Yet, we do, don't we? We deserve more. You deserve more. Ditch the "I should be grateful" talk. I don't know about that. Being grateful for the gifts she brought to you doesn't mean you stick it out and get by for the rest of your life.
But man, oh man, I've been divorced before, and the collateral damage this time around would be even worse than that. And this time, at 53, I'm not young enough to start over.
Money is just money. Meanwhile your life is going by. The most important thing I want to say is there is no cut off for recreating yourself. Don't say that 53 is too old. CRAZY TALK! Life is your oyster until you're dead. Period.
Hugs to you in this tough time.
Keep reading. Read the stickies at the top of the forum and go visit Alanon again!
peace